The Exploits of a Possessed Stapler and Other Tale
by Daisaigai Katja
Summary: SEE a psycho be pursued by a stapler. HEAR the cry of a dying slarm clock. FEEL the AGONY, the HILARITY, the DRAMA of this epic saga. R&R! CH. 13 IS UP
1. Staplers Attack When Provoked

**IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ**

Hello everyone, I'm back. Yes, this fic was deleted. Apparently some cowardly fool named GtaJake MK-II didn't like the way my fic was formatted. Read his profile. See if you would be able to stand in a room with him for more than 2 seconds. Search for **GtaJakeMK-II.**

Anyway, I am still working on future chapters. Here are the ideas I'm going to use/have used:

Stapler

Toaster

Microphone

Stereo

Alarm Clock

Lawnmower

Blow Drier

Can Opener

TV

Ceiling Fan

Pencil Sharpener

Stove

Washing Machine

Dryer

Computer

If you have more suggestions, I'd love to use them. I'm very sorry if I can't fit in your ideas/suggestions/requests. I may use them later; I never really know.

This fic is in regular format now. I am trying as hard as I can to make it as humorous as before. If it becomes steadily less amusing, drop me a line, I'm a dumb fish. :P Many thanks to my many reviewers; I deeply appreciate your kindness. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to my favorite evil psycho, who will be the main character in this fic. Yami no Marik, get over here.

Y. Marik ran and hid behind conveniently located computer chair that Daisaigai happened to be sitting on.

"...I can still see you."

"Darn it." Yami Marik ripped the sink out of wall, and hid behind it instead.

O.o He's paying for that...

Yep. I have chapters 1-8 saved on my computer, so I'll be reformatting them and posting them at random times. Don't worry; I don't plan on falling off the face of the earth and never finishing this fic. Heck, it's humor, so the ideas and inspiration come and go.

Hmmm...enough of my ranting.

On with the fic.

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Ishtar Residence

Marik Ishtar walked into the kitchen, struggling to carry a very large stack of unstapled papers while simultaneously grumbling under his breath.

"Stupid Kaiba...just had to file a lawsuit against me...it was _his _fault, not mine..."

He walked through the kitchen and the living room, and into the computer room.

"Idiot yami...and he _has_ to live here...Isis is too soft, she won't send him to a psycho ward..."

At that moment, Yami Marik, who happened to be spinning around and around and around and around and around and around and around on the spinning chair, stuck his leg out and tripped his hikari.

"OUCH!!!!!!!!" Marik had fallen with a resounding "thud". His yami started laughing. The papers flew in every direction; inflicting severe paper cuts to all who encountered their wrath. Yami Marik pulled his cape around him so that the paper could not inflict damage upon him. Marik, however, did not wear a cape, so was promptly assaulted by super-thin pieces of tree.

"Ow! Yami-_ouch_- you moron! You- _yeeouch!_ - did that- OW- on purpose!!!"

Marik got up, and pointed at his yami. "Staple these papers! It's your fault I got sued, anyway."

Yami Marik stopped laughing long enough to say, "Why should I?"

"Because if you don't, I'll use the Rod to make you wear a pink dress while dancing in the middle of a street singing "The Hokey Pokey," Marik snarled furiously. A/N: Baaaaaaad mental image...

Yami Marik blanched. Pink was obviously not his color.

"Whatever."

He picked up the stapler that was lying on the desk. To his shock, it emitted a hiss.

"Must...jam..."

Yami Marik jumped approximately 7.6 inches into the air. "AHHHHHHH!!! It's possessed!!"

Marik, who had been growling under his breath the whole time, did not hear the stapler's venomous hiss. "What are you talking about?" he snapped.

The stapler began to hum a tune that sounded shockingly similar to the Star Spangled Banner. Which was very odd, since the Ishtars were living in Japan.

Marik's alarmingly purple eyes widened, and he backed away slowly.

"Um...you're on your own with this one," he said from the safety of the other side of the door.

Yami Marik gulped.

The stapler hissed again, and pounced. "Must...STAPLE!!!!!!!!!!" It began to chase Yami Marik mercilessly around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around the room. Marik went to fetch the Camcorder.

Eventually Yami Marik grew tired, and decided that sending the stapler to the Shadow Realm was much less exhausting. "DIE EVIL THING!!!!!!" he roared, aiming the Millennium Rod at the stapler, which had climbed to the top of the desk to refill its store of staples.

There was a small _pop_, and the stapler had vanished.

"That was...weird," Yami Marik panted.

Marik had returned with the Camcorder, careful to hide it behind his back. He noticed something was missing.

"Where'd my stapler go?" he asked in a voice of forced calm.

"Um...Isentittotheshadowrealm," Yami Marik said in an extremely and ridiculously fast voice.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MORON!!!!!!" Marik screamed. He grabbed the Rod from his yami,

"It was just a stapler!!" Yami Marik yelled, frantically putting up mental barriers to block out the Rod's power. Needless to say, he failed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later that day, neighbors stopped and stared. A very odd scene was taking place.

The taller of the Ishtar "twins" was in the middle of the street singing the Barney song to the tune of a very slow funeral march in a much too high-pitched voice, while dancing around in a bright pink dress. Mothers covered their children's eyes, for fear their impressionable young minds would be scarred forevermore. Which was true.

A honking noise was heard. A large mail truck was quickly making its way along the street where the freak was dancing. The mailman stared, until he remembered he had a VERY important delivery to make. The mailman honked the horn loudly, and continued to drive on. The weirdo kept dancing. Luckily for him, he hokey-pokied out of the way just in time.

The shorter of the two "twins" was rolling on the ground laughing, next to a tripod that was supporting a Camcorder. A werewolf was holding the Millennium Rod and laughing maniacally.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The mailman kept driving down the lane, shaken by what he had just seen. He cleared his head as much as possible before going to the next house. He needed his wits about this place...

The mailman, who's name happened to be Pegasus, drove up to the house that most people tended to avoid. Some said a white-haired demon lived there. Others claimed if you stood for too long in the yard, zombies would rise from the earth and peel the flesh off your bones. Still others were no longer alive to tell their opinion.

Pegasus got out of the truck, and stood on the sidewalk. He peered down at the brick sidewalk

"Right three steps, two down, eight left, five up..." he muttered as he carefully stepped on a single brick at a time. Suddenly, his foot slipped, and he fell to ground, hitting all the bricks.

"Noooooo..." Pegasus groaned. He shielded his face with his arms.

A furious spitting sound was heard as a terrifying monster sped towards him, claws out and fangs bared.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Pegasus screamed, as the monster ripped at him.

"Draculita, that's enough," said a harsh voice with a hint of a British accent. The terrifying monster was lifted off of him. Pegasus gasped.

It was the fabled White-Haired Demon!

Screaming for his life, Pegasus got to his feet and ran off.

"Good girl," Bakura purred to the tiny black kitten nestled in his arms. He calmly walked back inside.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Pegasus was trembling as he walked out to the next house, heavy package under one arm. This was only his first week on the job, and of course his boss had to send him to this psycho neighborhood. (A/N: Do mailmen actually have bosses?)

He cautiously approached the door.

A teenage girl stepped out, smiling. "Thank you," she said to him.

"Y-y-you're welcome," Pegasus stuttered, handing her the package. He was amazed that he wasn't being attacked or mauled at this very instant. He walked back to his truck, still shaking.

The girl, whose name happened to be Tea, peered at the package. "Happy Hanukah, from your Uncle Hoolacabaka!"

"It's my birthday, though..." Tea muttered, ripping off the packaging, revealing a cast-iron skillet.

"I guess this come in handy sometime..."

(((((((((((end))))))))))))

Oh my...I have the strangest ideas. I hope I didn't burn anyone's eyes out.

"Too late..." whimpered a random reader.

Erm...sorry about that. Any idea at all that you have, send it to me. Unlike the last time I had this fic up, not all the chapters will contain possessed objects. The "and Other Tales" part of the title comes into effect. If this fic was not humorous at all, kindly tell me. I might post the original format of this fic on another website. If I do, I'll alert you right away. Thanks to Fast-Talking Johnny for helping me write the original version of this chapter...review please. Send your ideas.

Meanwhile, as I was giving this obnoxious speech...

"This is for making me get chased by a possessed stapler, AND making my do that stupid dance thing!!!!!!!" Yami Marik roared, waving Clair around.

" NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Fast-Talking Johnny.

Dramatic background music began to play, and Johnny got a manic look in her eyes.

"Oh no. The band nerd within her is taking over," Daisaigai said, horrified and amused at the same time.

" FWAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"YAR!!"

Daisaigai watched as Johnny ran after Yami Marik, caught him, grabbed her clarinet, beat him with it, and played Taps.

Daisaigai grinned, and said, "My trumpet would've inflicted much more damage..."

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	2. Fight At The Coliseum

Hello. I'm baaahaack...that means I get to add another chapter to this fic. Thanks to all the people who reviewed. I really have no idea whatsoever as to where this idea came from...but I added a few more characters. This should make things even more interesting...

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Ishtar Residence 

Marik Ishtar walked into his kitchen, still weak from laughter. The werewolf had released control over Yami Marik' mind, and so Yami Marik had stood there confused for a moment, before going on a mad rampage. He had chased a five year old, who had escaped his mother, into the White Haired Demon's yard. The Demon had come out to see who was screaming as if they were being strangled by a psychopath, and had seen his greatest rival in a pink dress. This caused him to laugh uproariously, thereby enraging Yami Marik even more. He had thrown himself at the White-Haired Demon with a roar. A werewolf and a girl holding a clarinet, along with Marik, had stood by and watched as the two rolled by in a dust cloud.

The neighbors were attracted by the spectacle, and set up a makeshift coliseum to view the fight. The werewolf, whose name happened to be Daisaigai Okamiotoko, and the girl holding the clarinet, whose name happened to be Fast-Talking Johnny, had sold tickets to the gathering crowd. Bets were placed, and food bought. Police had heard the crowds shouts of "RIP HIS SPIKY HAIR OUT AND STAB HIM WITH IT!!!!!!" and "BLIND HIM WITH THAT LIGHTBULB ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!!" and the psycho's and the Demon's screams of rage and pain, and had come to make some arrests, since overloads of coffee will do that to people. However, Daisaigai had used the "borrowed" Millennium Rod to control the cop's minds long enough so that they would sit down. Upon the release of their minds, the cops had began to get up, but the police chief, whose name happened to be Pharaoh Atem, told them to stop and watch, place some bets, "confasticate" some food, and then make all the arrests.

Ryou, the one who enforced the White-Haired Demon's death toll, had heard all the commotion, and realized what would happen if either one of them won the fight.

"Draculita," he had called softly, swishing around a can of catfish blood to attract the killer kitten.

"Rrar!" Draculita squeaked. She did not roar or screech, something that greatly disappointed the White-Haired Demon.

"Get the fishy," Ryou had said quietly, throwing the can of catfish fluids into the midst of the two maniacs. Draculita squeaked again and lunged after the canister.

At first, the two psychos did not notice the fiendish feline in their midst. They were too concerned with their own lives that were on the line. Eventually, they both realized that the continuous scratches were not coming from each other's nails cut carefully into claws.

A tiny, black, furry, spitting mass had attached itself to the psycho's head, possibly because he was using the can of catfish blood to repeatedly pelt the Demon with.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the psycho had screeched, running in circles until he realized he was no further along in getting rid of the fur ball than Daisaigai was in forming an angry mob and attacking the 4Kids offices with pitchforks and lit torches. He ran into the stands, causing the crowd, the police, and the mad authoresses to scream in unison and flee. The Demon had picked up the can of blood and called his kitten with it. Almost immediately, Draculita had detached herself from Yami no Marik's head, and had run to her master. Bakura opened the can, and poured some blood on the ground. Draculita had licked up the tasty treat up enthusiastically, while purring joyfully.

The police had gotten back into their cars, for fear of being eaten. The neighbors had fled to their dwellings for the same reason.

Yami Marik had stumbled back into the house, limping due to severe injuries. He staggered back to his room to get out of that Ra-forsaken dress and find some bandages.

Daisaigai and Johnny had stood watching all of this, Daisaigai grinning at the mass chaos she had caused. She carefully cut out a door to her dimension: Real World. It could be a pain living there sometimes, but for the most part, kept her amused. Johnny and her exited before saying one final phrase:

"All in the mind of a psychopathic authoress..."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Quick chapter for you people. Don't know if it was funny or not, it just popped into my head. Heh, like I said, ideas come and go. I have great expectations for this story, and will update whenever possible.

Please send your ideas, questions, corrections, requests, flames, hysterical laughter, pointless and non-pointless rants via review.

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	3. Never Make Faces At Evil Toasters

Hello, everyone.

Let the fic begin!!

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Ishtar Residence 

Marik walked into the kitchen, yawning widely as he searched for bread to make toast. Isis had already woken up, and was "at the store", according to the note she left. Rishid and Yami Marik were still asleep.

For some reason, the squirrels and birds were chirping and squawking incessantly...

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Draculita crept silently across the dew-soaked lawn. She had devoured all the "cute" little animals in the White Haired Demon's yard. The birds, squirrels, and rabbits had looked on in horror as she ripped apart their kin's carcasses, while the Demon stroked her fur, and grinned like a proud vampire.

That was the proudest moment of her young life.

Now Draculita slinked through the rather tall grass; it was need of a trim. This was good, however, because she could remain unseen while she stalked her prey. Just a little further...

She reached the window on the east side of the house. The sun was reflecting brightly off the window, much to the irritation of the occupant inside the room.

Suddenly, a robin spotted the tiny carnivore as she stole through the lawn. As if an alarm had gone off, all the animals around here immediately began chirping and squawking and screeching and roaring and crying and howling and yelling and yelping and whimpering and playing the clarinet at very fast tempo. The irritated occupant stuck his spiky head out the window and began to curse at the chirping, squawking, screeching, roaring, crying, howling, yelling, yelping, whimpering, and clarinet-playing animals and authoresses. This was what Draculita had been waiting for.

She sprang at the furious psycho, who was trying to climb out the window in an attempt to attack the birds. Draculita landed on his shoulder, causing him to yell and fall out the window in surprise. She streaked through the cracked door, and into the kitchen.

Marik looked down in surprise at the tiny newcomer.

"Why hello, Draculita," he said sweetly, petting the little kitten. Draculita purred in response, and glanced hopefully at the fresh batch of toast sitting on the counter. Marik followed her gaze, and smiled.

"You're the first cat I've met that is a vegetarian," he said, bringing down several pieces of toast down from the countertop. He tore off a small piece and fed it to the she-kitty.

Draculita took the piece and chewed it slightly, then let out a muffled squeak. Marik laughed, and handed her the rest of the toast. With her unusually sharp incisors, she was able to grasp and carry the toast in her small jaws. With a last stifled squeak, she streaked for the door, which Marik opened. Draculita bolted out, and Yami Marik stumbled in, dew-soaked from all the grass. He saw the furry menace streak past him, and yelled in rage.

Marik watched as his yami chased Draculita across the wet lawn, slip, and fall heavily to the ground, landing on his face, and leaving a print in the damp grass. With a sigh, he closed the door and locked it.

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Draculita rolled her amber eyes, and put the toast carefully down on the lawn. In a second, she spat out the small piece of toast that Marik had given her. She had stuffed it in her cheeks. Those chipmunks did have one useful technique: food storage. She picked up the other whole pieces toast once more, and continued her journey.

Bakura was waiting on the porch as Draculita came into sight.

"Good kitty," he whispered, taking the toast from her mouth and placing it in his own. "Same thing tomorrow, okay?"

Draculita, who was dragging her tongue across the grass to get rid of the hated taste of toast, glanced up and squeaked. Bakura finished his breakfast, and walked back inside, Draculita following suit.

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Rishid awoke to a furious pounding sound. Normally, he was a very heavy sleeper, but this noise was much too loud to be ignored. He got dressed and went to the kitchen to see where all the commotion was about.

Marik was speaking through the door to someone who apparently wanted in, judged by the continuous death threats in ancient Egyptian and incessant pounding issuing from the person on the other side of the obviously locked door. Rishid had a very shrewd idea who after he heard:

"HIKARI, WHEN I GET IN THERE, I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO A PULP, TAKE THAT PULP AND DRAG IT ACROSS A BED OF NAILS ON YOUR OWN MOTORCYCLE, THEN DUCT TAPE YOU TO A CHAIR AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH RERUNS OF JUDGE JUDY, THEN USE _MY_MILLENNIUM ROD TO MAKE YOU THROW YOURSELF IN BON FIRE, AND _THEN _TAKE THE ASHES AND SCATTER THEM OVER DIRT!!!!! THEN I'LL TAKE THE DIRT AND ASHES, MIX THEM WITH MILK, POUR THEM INTO A BOWL OF FROOT LOOPS, _AND THEN SELL IT TO SOME HOBO ON THE STREET!!!!!!" _

Yami Marik had a lot more imagination than what the others gave him credit for.

Rishid sighed. Nothing like waking up to a "creative" psycho trying to break down a door, while Marik laughed at him from the other side of the entrance.

"Marik, let him in," Rishid said reluctantly, searching for a stapler he could use to ward off Yami Marik once got inside the house.

"Fine, fine," Marik said, rolling his eyes. He opened the door.

Unfortunately, Yami Marik had chosen that opportune moment to throw his entire weight against the poor door. He flew through the door at an astounding rate of speed, and crashed into the wall, causing a wreath Isis had hung up the previous day to fall over his head. With a snarl, he tried to wrench it off his head, but to no avail. The wreath was not able to get past his bangs, and would not come off.

Rishid and Marik watched in interest as Yami Marik tried various methods off removing the wreath from around his neck, including yanking it, biting it, paper cutting it, clawing at it, glaring at it, and even issuing a complaint to the mad authoress to remove it. But Daisaigai's reply was, "I'm having too much fun watching you suffer." She then sat back with a smirk on her wolf face.

At last, after a half hour, he was able to chew through it. Spitting out the artificial wood, he stood up, brushing off the remnants of the plastic leaves, and glaring daggers at Marik and Rishid.

Yami Marik had opened his mouth when-

Rishid revealed the stapler. "Come any closer, and I'll let it bite you."

He felt extremely foolish trying to ward off an evil psycho with a harmless paper companion, but Marik had confided to him that it was his yami's only fear. To his amazement, Yami Marik closed his mouth and scowled heavily, and stalked back into the kitchen. Rishid sighed in slight relief. Marik grinned and followed his yami into the kitchen to inflict more torture upon him.

Yami Marik glanced back and his eyes narrowed. "Stupid hikari," he muttered under his breath.

"Yami, would you like some breakfast?" Marik asked in that creepy false-polite voice of his.

Yami Marik replied angrily, "Yes, you moronic imbecile."

"Then make it yourself."

Yami Marik whipped around to strangle his hikari, but Rishid tossed the stapler to Marik. It bounced off the tips of his fingers, and landed at the feet of Yami Marik, who kicked it across the room.

Yami Marik had conquered his fear of staplers.

Daisaigai frowned at the scene. "That's not what I had written," she snarled. "Take Two!"

The stapler bounced off the tips of Marik's fingers as he attempted to catch it, and flew at Yami Marik, who ducked. The stapler broke through the open window, and was never heard from again.

"That's STILL NOT WHAT I HAD WRITTEN!!!" Daisaigai roared. She grabbed her trumpet and played a C in the upper octave in Yami Marik's ear, causing him to go temporarily deaf. "STOP MESSING WITH MY COMPUTER!!! Take three!!!!"

"What?"

The stapler bounced off the tips of Marik's outstretched fingers, and flew directly at Yami Marik. He knocked it out of the air. The stapler hit the floor and shattered.

"AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! YOU MORON!!!!" Daisaigai howled, grabbing Yami Marik by the shoulders and shaking him. "GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!"

"S-S-ST-STOP –SH-SH-SHA-A-A-A-AKING-ING M-M-M-ME!!!!"

The stapler grew wings and flew at Yami Marik, who snapped his fingers. The stapler disappeared in a poof of violet smoke.

Daisaigai buried her face in her paws and groaned. "I give up."

Marik and Rishid stared in amazement. Then the chapter got back on track.

Yami Marik looked around the kitchen. "Hikari, what's that?" he asked coldly, pointing to the toaster.

Marik decided to be irritating, and said, "That's a microwave."

"No it's not. Isis told me it wasn't. THAT thing, " Yami Marik growled, still pointing at the toaster.

"Oh that? That's the washing machine."

"No, it's not," Yami Marik growled again, still pointing angrily to the toaster.

"That's right, it's called the TV!"

"Hikari," Yami Marik snarled through gritted teeth, "I am VERY close to hurting you."

Marik rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "It's called the toaster."

Yami Marik decided to approach this new device with caution. "What exactly does it do?"

"You just stick your food in it and it cooks it," Marik said, waving a dismissive hand.

Yami Marik was still skeptical. "Sure..."

Marik left the kitchen. Once he got to his room, he realized he should have told his yami that you could only cook BREAD in a toaster. He slapped his forehead, and turned around.

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Yami Marik glared at the toaster.

It glared back.

Yami Marik was surprised...somewhat. Their conversation went something like this...

"O.o"

"o.O"

"O.o"

"o.O"

"O.o"

"o.O"

"O.o"

"o.O"

Finally, Yami Marik yelled, "STOP COPYING ME!!!!!"

The toaster just grinned at him.

"STOP THAT!!!!"

Yami Marik was growing frustrated not to mention very hungry. "Fine...I'll just make you cook my food!!! FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

The toaster made the o.O face at him.

Yami Marik gave it the death glare of DOOM, and the toaster stopped making faces at him...for the moment.

Yami Marik began digging through the freezer. "Why is everything wrapped in metal?! Oh well..."

The toaster blanched.

"Now toaster, bow before me and cook my food!!!" Yami Marik commanded with enthusiasm, and stuffed a foil-cover steak into the toaster.

The toaster hissed furiously, and Yami Marik backed away in fear. "Why is EVERYTHING in this house possessed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Marik reached the kitchen. He saw the toaster. He saw the foil-cover steak jutting out of the toaster. He saw his yami backing away from the toaster and the foil-cover steak. He sighed. He had been right to come and inform his yami about the dangers off sticking flammable materials into cooking devices. Marik said wearily, "Yami, do you need help?"

"NO!!" Yami Marik snapped at him. "GO AWAY!!!!!"

"Fine," Marik shrugged. He stuck around to watch. Yami Marik was a fast thinker, but not a logical one. Usually, he ended up making Marik laugh so hard he couldn't stand up.

The toaster began to hiss in somewhat fluent English. "Burn, must burn, buuuurrnnnnn..."

"AHHHHH!! Evil Toaster!!!!!" Yami Marik shouted, backing away even further.

Marik snickered.

There was a "FWOOM!" sound.

The toaster had burst into flame, due to the extreme internal infernal combustion the foil-covered steak was causing. It leaped off the counter with a "BWAAH!!!"

Yami Marik yelped, and his eyes widened so that Marik could see the blood vessels. He wondered why all the objects seemed to turn evil when they met Yami no Marik.

The flaming toaster edged closer to its chosen victim.

Yami Marik backed up so far that he hit the opposite counter. The toaster was getting closer. He thought of a way that might stop the toaster, it worked on Bakura, after all...

"TAKE THIS, FIEND!!!!" he roared, throwing a piece of garlic at the toaster.

It had no effect whatsoever on the blazing, malevolent toaster. The toaster came still closer.

Marik shook his head. "No logic whatsoever, none at all..."

Yami Marik had only one alternative. The Sennen eye (also known as that light bulb) began to glow even brighter on his forehead. With a war cry of "DIEDIEIDIEDIEDIE!!!" he tried to send the infernal contraption to the Shadow Realm.

The toaster dodged the attack with a menacing "BURRNNNNN!!!!!"

Both Marik and Yami Marik stared.

"That's never happened before..." Yami Marik muttered.

"Haazzzzpppttttiisssss..." the possessed toaster hissed.

"Uh-oh," Yami Marik said, fearing the worst.

The toaster leapt at him, and-

-ran out of cord.

Yami Marik laughed. He lunged at the toaster, bringing his fist down upon it, apparently forgetting it was on fire.

"YEEOCH!!!!"

By now, Marik had lost it. He was on the floor, laughing harder than he ever had before. Daisaigai and Johnny were also howling with mirth.

Yami Marik waved his burnt hand frantically, and yelled, "BOW BEFORE ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Lightning flashed, bringing about dramatic background music. One lightning bolt struck the toaster, rendering it unconscious. Yami Marik swiftly sent it to the Shadow Realm, and broke into a fit of psychotic laughter.

Marik suddenly stopped laughing. His toaster was gone.

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So, how was it? It's better than the original, I think. Review, and send your ideas. I have a lot of hilarious chapters in store for you all.

If you have a favorite character I didn't put in, tell me so I can make note of that. I will try and fit in all the characters if I can. Johnny, I'm counting on you to point out grammar mistakes, because I'm good at spelling.

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	4. We're Going To The Mall!

Konnichi wa, all. I have another original chapter for all of you. I seem to be getting better at writing, ne? I'm surprised that this fic has got this many reviews already. Before it got deleted, I had 46 reviews. I was reformatting some of the chapters when it got deleted. X( But this version is better than the last version...I think I said that already.

Well, this is a long author's note. I'll let the fic start now.

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Marik walked cautiously towards his yami's room. He, Isis, and Rishid had played Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide which one of them would tell Yami Marik that they were going to the mall. Marik lost, was to convince his yami to come.

He pushed open the door, alert and wary; with good reason. Yami Marik had been known to attack anyone who breathed too loudly in his presence.

The room was pitch black, save for a lit candle. Yami Marik was burning clarinet reeds over the fire, cursing whenever the fire burnt his hand. Marik rolled his eyes.

"Yami, we're going shopping, and you're coming."

The pyromaniac glanced up. "How did you get in here?"

"I opened the door."

"Oh."

Marik refrained from calling his yami a complete moron with extreme difficulty. "Mor-I mean, we're leaving soon, so hurry up."

Yami Marik continued to burn the reeds. "I don't have time."

Marik raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure. Now move it, or Isis will kill me. She's still mad about the toaster incident."

"It seems you are in quite a bind, hikari," Yami Marik said calmly.

Marik was losing patience. "Move it, yami, or I'll...I'll...um...." He couldn't come up with a very good threat. The stapler had disappeared in a poof of purple smoke earlier, so that was out of the question.

"I'll make a deal with you," Yami Marik continued.

"What do you want?" Marik asked uneasily.

"Give me all the caffeine in the house."

"RA NO!!!" Marik yelled. Yami Marik had extremely strict limitations on sugar, and caffeine was absolutely out of the question. Daisaigai would often drink Mountain Dew and steadily eat her way through a five-pound bag of sugar in front of Yami Marik and Bakura. Had they not been duct-taped to rocks while this occurred, they probably would've thrown her off a cliff or eaten her along with the sugar.

"You can put a limit on the mortals I murder after I get my Mountain Dew...how about ten thousand?"

Marik shook his head fiercely. "_Never!_ You'd probably end up blowing up the house, or-or tie Daisaigai to a rock and force her to eat lasagna!!!!"

"Oh goodness, I'd never do some thing THAT horrible!" Yami Marik gasped in mock horror, although he looked as if that'd be the first thing he did after the chapter was over.

"Yeah right," Marik snapped. "Stop acting so nice, it's just wrong."

"Fine."

Marik was struck by a sudden idea. Perhaps he could lure his yami into the living room, where he could be tied up and forced into the car. It was worth a try.

"Hey yami," Marik said suddenly, pulling a pack of matches out of his pocket.

Yami Marik's reaction was immediate and spontaneous. He threw himself at Marik, who swiftly leapt back out of the doorway.

"ISIS!!! RISHID!!! DO SOMETHING!!!" Marik shouted frantically, as his yami got to his feet to attack once more.

"Give...me...them..." Yami Marik hissed, pointing to the matches. Marik attempted to run backwards, and tripped over the carpet.

"That's something I'd expect from you," Wind said to Daisaigai, raising her eyebrows.

Daisaigai sighed. "I have to agree."

Yami Marik was bearing down upon his terrified hikari. "Fire..."

Suddenly, Isis and Rishid leapt out from two shadowy corners, wielding staplers. Yami Marik tried to dodge their assault, but failed miserably. They grabbed his cape, wrapped it tightly around him, and stapled it to his clothes, rendering him unable to move.

"THIS IS MY BEST CAPE!!!!" Yami Marik roared, struggling wildly. He paused for a moment, then added, "AND I CAN'T MOVE!!!!!"

"Well duh," Marik snapped. He, along with Rishid and Isis, lifted Yami Marik off the ground and carried him off to the car.

"PUT ME DOWN!!!!!"

Marik rolled his eyes. "Here's a nice, comfortable spot for you, yami," he said, attempting to stuff Yami Marik in the trunk. "OUCH!! YOU MORON!!! YOU DON'T BITE PEOPLE!!!!" He shook his wounded hand frantically, cursing in pain.

Isis groaned. "Let him sit in the back so he doesn't suffocate. Rishid, you're driving."

"Alright."

"Can I drive???" both Marik and Yami Marik asked eagerly.

"NO." Isis said firmly.

Marik and his yami visibly wilted.

They all got into/ were stuffed into the car. The car ride soon grew boring, with only the sounds of Yami Marik trying to pull the staples out of his cape using his teeth. Isis turned on the radio. A familiar song began to play.

"Desperado..." 

Everyone's eyes widened. Isis frantically tried to turn off the radio, shouting at Rishid to keep driving, but to no avail. Rishid held up a hand and whispered, "Shhh...it's the song..."

"Desperado...why don't you come to your senses..." 

Isis smacked her forehead. Marik groaned. Yami Marik choked on a staple.

Rishid's grip on the steering wheel began to slacken, and the car began to head for a nearby telephone pole.

"RISHID, NO!!!!!" Isis cried, and swiftly turned off the radio. Rishid seemed to snap out of a daze.

"Sorry, Isis..." he muttered, turning rather red.

Isis sighed. "It's alright...Marik, slap your yami on the back or something, he's choking."

Marik raised his hand, but missed, and instead hit Yami Marik's hair. A howl of pain escaped his mouth as he waved his nearly impaled hand around.

Isis groaned. "This is going to be a looooong day..."

-o-o-o-

Bakura lifted his radio up to eye level. For some reason, it kept eating his tapes. He examined the inside of the tape player. Dust covered the heads.

"Dang it..."

Bakura left his room, and came back shortly later with a Q-tip. He took the tape player, and carefully cleaned the dust-covered heads. He placed a Led Zepplin tape inside, and it played clearly.

Bakura has a way with technology. Remember that.

Suddenly, Ryou burst into the room. "YAMI MARIK LOCKED DRACULITA IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" Bakura roared, immediately jumping to his feet. He charged out of the room, tripped slightly on the carpet, and continued to run. Ryou smiled.

"Works every time," he said quietly. He too walked out of the room, jangling the car keys slightly.

They were going to the mall.

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Bit short; I know. Don't worry, I'm typing the next chapter practically as I speak. What horrors await them at the mall? MUAHAHKEEKEEEKEKEKUKUKFUUFUHUHUUACKACKACKACKCAWCAWCAEMOOMOOMOOHEHEHEHEHEHHEWOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!

Review please.

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	5. Mall, Part II

Daisaigai turned to her audience. "Hello, everyone. Thanks for reviewing. As for those who didn't, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!! DON'T LIE!!!!!!!!"

Marik sighed. "Yep...she's insane."

Yami Marik and Bakura both sniffed. "I'm so proud..."

"Well, anyway, this is a continuation of the last chap-YAMI MARIK, PUT THAT LASAUNGA DOWN!!! THAT STUFF IS DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!!" Daisaigai screeched, attemping to bolt away from the psycho.

"I know. Heheheheheh..."

Bakura, Marik, Johnny, Ryou, Wind, Kage Akumu watched as Yami Marik duct taped Daisaigai to a rock and forced her to eat the EVIL LASAUNGA OF DOOM .

Ryou was the first to recover. "Well, I guess I should start the chapter now...."

"You do that. "

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"We're here!" Isis announced, pointing to the mall. She got out of the car, along with Marik and Rishid. When Marik opened the other door, Yami Marik fell down and smacked his head off the concrete.

"Ouch..."

Isis took out her purse, and counted out some money. "Here, everyone," she said, handing them each 20 dollars. Yami Marik pulled the last staple out of his cape, stood up, snatched the money, and stalked off towards the mall.

"BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!!!" Isis called after him. He ignored her.

Rishid sighed. "Should I keep an eye on him?"

"No," Marik cut in. "If he does something terrible, he'll get arrested, and we'll be rid of him."

Rishid and Isis had to agree, and so, they left the psycho to his own devices.

-o-o-o-

Bakura bolted throughout the house, trying hard not to trip and fall on his face.

"This carpet is out to get me, I swear..."

He continued to speed towards the car.

"I'M COMING, DRACULITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ryou followed his yami, shaking his head. Bakura had become very attached to the vampirish kitten. He protected her from the neighborhood dogs, and both he and Draculita snarled at the dreaded word "VET". Ryou had lost about a pint of blood the last time he had tried to put Draculita in a kitty-carrier.

A yell echoed through the house. Ryou sighed.

"Either he found out Draculita's not in the car, or he fell on his face." He stepped outside.

Bakura was lying facedown on the concrete, next to the car. Apparently, he tripped on the protruding piece of pavement en route to the vehicle. He got to his feet unsteadily, and spat out blood. A second later, Bakura realized what he had done, and tried to scoop the blood back into his hands. Ryou opened the driver's door. Bakura leapt inside and began calling Draculita.

In one swift moment, Ryou closed the door on his yami, activated the Child Safety Lock, shoved Bakura into the back seat, got inside, ordered the clumsy dark spirit to put on his seatbelt, and started the car.

"Draculita's not in here!!" Bakura yelled furiously.

"Sorry about tricking you, yami, but we're going to the mall," Ryou patiently explained as he drove down the road.

"There is NO WAY I'm going to set foot in that stupid, girly-"

"I just want to walk around to get out of the house. I'll give you some money," Ryou said, ever so enduring.

Bakura brightened slightly. "Alright..."

The ride to the mall was rather uneventful, except for the fact that Bakura scared Ryou so bad he ran a red light.

"YAMI, DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!" Ryou shrieked, gripping the steering wheel.

"What?" Bakura asked innocently. He crossed his eyes and grinned once more.

"_YAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

-o-o-o-

Atem glared at the shoppers. He knew that one of them was going to steal something. He could sense it. All those lazy, stupid people...something was definitely going to happen.

A little kid stopped in mid-step to ogle at Atem. "Get a haircut," he said flatly to the former pharaoh.

"_Billy!_ That's not nice!!!" his mother reprimanded. Then she saw Atem's hair.

"Oh my..."

Atem glared some more. "What?" he snapped.

"Come on, son...leave the freak alone..."

"WHAT?!" Atem exploded. "BELIEVE ME LADY, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A _REAL_ FREAK!!! DOES MY HAIR LOOK LIKE FLUFFY RABBIT EARS?! DO _I _HAVE A FRIGGIN' LIGHTBULB RIGGED ONTO _MY _ FOREHEAD?! I THINK NOT!!!! NOW GET OUT HERE BEFORE I ARREST YOU BOTH!!!!!!!!!!"

The mother grabbed her son, slung him over her shoulder, and ran away. Atem leaned back onto a wall and smirked. He loved his job.

-o-o-o-

Yami Marik stormed throughout the mall.

"I hate malls...they put everything on the shelves, but they don't let you take it!" He glowered some more, before heading into a nearby store...which happened to be Hot Topic.

As soon as Yami Marik entered the outlet, everything stopped.

Preps, punks, Goths, and posers all stared.

The Sennen Eye on Yami Marik's forehead lit up the entire store. A cheer rose up from the crowd.

"WE HAVE FOUND OUR LEADER!!!!!!!!!!!"

-o-o-o-

Bakura stepped into the mall. Everything looked normal. Stupid, lazy people sauntered towards their favorite stores. He gripped the twenty dollars in his hand.

The place seemed normal enough...

One store caught Bakura's attention. He began to walk towards it.

-o-o-o-

A Goth carefully approached the psycho. "Greetings..." he said in a voice as oily as his dyed hair.

"...Master."

Something clicked inside Yami Marik's mind. He had been called "Master".

At first, he snickered. Then the snickers grew into cackles, which manifested into full-blown manic laughter. Yami Marik's eyes widened, and he looked as psycho as he did when he was dueling the pharaoh. A few of the weaker-hearted preps fainted. Almost everyone else cheered, and lifted him onto their shoulders. Yami Marik threw his head back, and roared:

"ONWARD, SLAVES!!! FWAHAHAHAHA!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

-o-o-o-

Daisaigai turned to her audience. "I once said in my bio that I have never seen an evil psycho achieve world domination. Well, I'm not going to do something that drastic...yet. Your mortal lives are safe, for now. This might not end well. You have been warned."

-o-o-o-

A large crowd of people was making its way through the mall. They were carrying a very creepy-looking person atop their shoulders, while laughing as loudly as the freak they were supporting.

Seto Kaiba stared at the mass of weirdoes. He had come to the mall to see if he could buy out Radio Shack.

He recognized the madman they were supporting. A conclusion formed in his mind.

Yami no Marik had a band of mind slaves and was attempting another world takeover. Forgetting all his disbeliefs about magic and dark evil spirits, he frantically searched for cover.

Unfortunately for the CEO, Yami Marik spotted him. He muttered something to one of the "mind slaves", and she looked viciously pleased. Kaiba began to back away.

The punky "mind slave" suddenly charged towards Kaiba, shouting, "MASTER'S WILL SHALL BE DONE!!!!!!"

By now, Kaiba was extremely alarmed. He turned and bolted into the nearest store...which was called Clair's. He grabbed a police officer as he ran inside the store.

"Look, stop this band of freaks, and I'll triple your pay-"he glanced at the police officer who he had dragged into the store.

Atem stared at him. "What are you talking about, Kaiba?" he asked suspiciously. He had just returned from getting his daily coffee, and did not have a chance to see the chaos that was forming.

Kaiba screamed. "NOT YOU TOO, YUGI!!!!!!!!!!"

Atem was seriously alarmed now. "Kaiba, calm down, and tell me what's wro-"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, MIND-SLAVE!!!!!!" He bolted from the store. Kaiba had almost reached the threshold, when-

The punky "mind slave" lunged at him, teeth bared. Instinctively, Kaiba leapt backwards behind the threshold.

A scream tore through the air. The punk was writhing on the pink carpet, shrieking in pain. She had landed in the store of DOOM, and was now melting from the deadliness of the pink upholstery.

"_Master...I FAILED YOU!!!!!!"_

Yami Marik appeared to have no comment on this spectacle. He blinked, then urged his followers on. Atem and Kaiba stared, mouths agape.

-o-o-o-

Bakura entered Hot Topic. There was no one there.

Slightly disappointed, he turned to go visit some other store, when he came face-to-face with Yami Marik and his band of followers. Bakura lifted his eyebrows. These people were not being mind-controlled. They did not have that vacant look in the eyes, nor did they speak in two voices. Who in their right minds would choose to follow Yami Marik?

"Meet Bakura, slaves," Yami Marik told his devotees.

Bakura smirked at his rival. "I see you've managed to trick these foolish mortals into carrying you like mules. Their backs must be broken by now."

Yami Marik also smirked at the tomb robber. "These morons are capable of a lot more than you think. They may look dumb, but that's just a disguise."

This comment was so lame and ridiculous, Bakura actually snorted. "Oh please. If they're that dumb, then you could probably convince them to follow _me._"

Yami Marik realized this was some kind of trick, but he wasn't sure what kind. He had never experienced reverse psychology before, and this could prove to be an immense disadvantage.

"Fine," he said, looking over the people supporting him. "You!" he said, pointing to a particularly greasy-looking prep. "Would you follow this spirit, just from his looks?"

The prep surveyed Bakura, eyes squinted and head cocked to one side. "No," she said.

"His hair isn't, like, black-ish, and has, like, no part. It actually looks like a...a...like a bush. Yeah, a, like, _bush_. He's wearing, like, a _striped_ shirt, under, like, a, like, _mint-green_ jacket. Pur-leese. And what's with the, like, freaky ring thing? It's so, like totally, weird. Guys, like, don't wear jewelry. And-"

"SHUT UP!!!!!" Bakura exploded. He lunged at the prep, grabbed her, and threw her into Clair's. She began to melt, because of the EVIL pink carpet of DOOM. He shouted over her screams of pain:

"DO YOU REALIZE THE ONE YOU ARE SUPPORTING HAS WHITE HAIR, _LIKE MINE_, AND IT COULD REPRESENT A HAZARD OF IMPALEMENT IF SOMEONE TOUCHES IT???? AND HE'S WEARING A _CAPE_????? IS THERE A PPURPOSE FOR THAT??? NOTE ALL THE JEWELRY!!! GOLD EARRINGS AND ARMBANDS AND CHOKERS!!!!! YOU FOOLISH MORTALS DARE CRITISIZE _MY _ WAY OF DRESSING??? IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY STUPID HIKARI CAN'T PICK OUT EVIL-LOOKING CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!"

Bakura fell silent, lacking the necessary amount of oxygen to continue. He panted heavily, glaring at them all.

Yami Marik and his followers stared, looking very foolish with their mouths hanging open. Finally, one of them spoke.

"If what you say is true, then we must put our leader to the test," he said quietly. "TO THE PET SHOP!!!!"

They paraded off towards the pet shop. Yami Marik protested heavily, but they bought a roll of duct-tape and slapped a piece over his mouth. He quieted down after that.

Bakura followed, amused. This was going to be interesting...

-o-o-o-

Ahahahaha!! Next stop, pet shop!!! Thanks to Kage Akumu for giving me the idea for the next chapter. Part III of the Mall Saga shall continue shortly. I usually update every week, so don't expect me to just stop working on this fic. I just love reviews. Keep that in mind. I may do a prologue as to how Draculita came about. I need to think about that one, though.

Ta-ta for now.

REVIEW!!!!!!!!!

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	6. Little Petshop of Horrors

Hello, all. This fic is starting to become popular. 32 reviews and counting.

I post chapters for this fic one at a time in order to get more reviews. I know how it is: You read a bunch of chapters for a fic, but review only once, at the last chapter. I'm lazy; I do it too. This doesn't mean I won't continue until I get a certain number of reviews. I hate it when authors say that, so I'm not going to do it. If I do get more than one chapter done, I'll post them a day apart from each other. This way, people keep seeing the story over and over again, get tired of seeing it, and finally decide to read it. Marketing techniques, my friends. That also wins reviews. I always write to my utmost potential, so I apologize if the chapters aren't coming out fast enough for you. It takes some revision to make the chapter the best I can make it, which requires time. I'm also in school right now, and have a lot of homework on most nights. (ARGHH!!!) I get stuff done on weekends.

In reference to future chapters, it would be wise to read the September through October issues of Shonen Jump, in the Shaman King manga. A character will be appearing from those issues: Faust VIII. Keep an eye out.

Alright, I hope you all read that without falling asleep. Now it's time to start the fic!!!!

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Bakura followed the band o' freaks towards the pet shop. Yami Marik was attempting to remove the tape from his mouth without also removing a layer of skin. The creepies supporting him were whispering among themselves. They had slight doubts in their chosen leader...

Suddenly, someone leapt in front of Bakura: Fast-Talking Johnny! EVERYBODY SCREAM!!!!

"Heh heh..."

Bakura backed away, snarling. "Get away from me, you teenage, homicidal, temperamental, freaky, clarinet player."

Johnny cackled, and pulled out a chainsaw. "I'm the innocent and/or evil bystander in this fic. I MAKE OLD MEN CRY!!!!!!!!" (A/N: o.O)

Bakura took this as a warning. He turned into the Forbidden Territory: Claire's. Even if it was named after Johnny's clarinet, it represented potential danger. She, Daisaigai, Wind, and Kage Akumu would not melt, but the carpet would feel like hot coals on their feet/paws.

Yami Marik and the weirdoes watched as Bakura fled, Johnny in hot pursuit. Yami Marik tried to speak, but all that came out was, "MURPH!!!"

The Goths, punks, preps, and posers took this as sign to move faster. Yami Marik frantically shook his head, but no one noticed him. They arrived at the pet shop in good time.

The greasy prep grabbed Yami Marik and shoved him into the pet store. His protest?

"MURG!!!"

Daisaigai sighed. "Even _he_ has a more advanced vocabulary than 'MURPH!' and 'MURG!' "She ripped the tape off his mouth, and his scream awakened a deadly creature in the cast-iron cage in the back of the store.

Yami Marik warily walked into the store, rubbing his very sore mouth. Something was going to attack. He could sense it.

All the animals turned towards him. The cockatoos raised their head feathers in alarm, and bore a shocking resemblance to Yami Marik. He glared at them, and walked further into the store.

His followers said something about a "test", and he was becoming more paranoid by the second. Something was around here somewhere...lurking in the shadows, lying in wait for the next meal...

Yami Marik slowly approached a shadowy corner, the Rod's golden dagger unsheathed. He was prepared to attack Something, whatever it may be. Something must have been the one who rid the store of (living) people.

He leapt around the corner, and raised the dagger to attack the EVIL, MENACING, MANIACAL-

-fish tank. Yami Marik had driven the weapon into a water-stained glass container. Sweatdropping, he yanked the knife out of the EVIL, MENACING, MANIACAL fish tank, and continued on.

Something was doing this to test his alertness. It knew he was paranoid right now, and was testing him.

Yami Marik edged towards the back of the store. A door with an overly large lock upon it came into view.

He puzzled over how to get it open. Having no sense of logic, he did not realize it needed a certain type of key, or that it needed a key at all for that matter. Yami Marik attacked the lock with the already-bent dagger. It bounced off.

"Grrr...why didn't it work???"

He wanted to know what was behind that door. He HAD to know what was behind that blasted entrance. This is the reason why Yami Marik spent the next half-hour trying various methods of opening the door, such as kicking it, biting it, punching it, challenging it to a staring contest (which the door won, much to the madman's displeasure), poking it, paper-cutting it, singing to it, throwing bird-seed at it, and siccing the cockatoos upon it.

Nothing worked.

Panting, Yami Marik slid down the opposite wall. The last half hour had been wasted. None of his usual methods for getting something to function were working. Finally, out of immense frustration, he roared:

"OPEN SESEME, YOU BAKA-HEADED EXCUSE FOR A DOOR!!!!!"

The lock fell off, and the door opened.

Yami Marik stared in shock, then got up and walked cautiously through the entrance. Something was probably poised to attack, claws out, fangs bared, fur bristled-

A click startled the psycho. He whipped around, struggled to see through the darkness of the room.

A bare light bulb had flickered on, illuminating the desolate room, and the cage that Something was contained in. Two dark, malevolent eyes peered out from the darkness inside the cage. The darkness seemed to stop at the iron bars. The door slowly creaked to a close.

Yami Marik bent down and stared at the thing. He could see nothing, except for the same two eyes of the creature. Slowly, however, it became apparent there was more than one Something, since several more pairs of eyes appeared behind the first.

The creatures' vast orbs were oddly beckoning. Without realizing what he was doing, Yami Marik stretched out a hand and flipped the latch off the cage.

An ear-piercing squeak brought him back to his "senses". He jumped backwards, tripped over the carpet, and landed on his back. Yami Marik closed his eyes in terror, for he could hear the Somethings spilling out of the cage that had shielded the world from its evil.

Another squeak sounded, though this time it was not as shrill. Yami Marik warily opened his eyes.

Thousands of fuzzy hamsters surrounded him. He closed his eyes again, shook his head, and reopened them.

The hamsters were still there.

"Hi!" the nearest one squeaked. "My name's Hamtaro!!! Will you join our Ham-Ham club?"

"What?" Yami Marik asked, dumbfounded. Was this the same Something that had rid the store of living souls?

"The Ham-Ham club!!! Surely you would want to join!!" Hamtaro squeaked again.

"No," Yami Marik snapped, getting to his feet. "I don't have time to play with rats."

Hamtaro's entire demeanor changed. "SO!" he said in a deep voice. "YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ABOVE THE GREATNESS OF THE HAM-HAMS?!"

"Yes. Yes I do," Yami Marik said, glaring at the thousands of hamsters.

The hamsters suddenly crowded around the door.

"YOU SHALL NOT LEAVE," Hamtaro rumbled. "HAM-HAMS, _UNITE!!!"_

The hamsters began to swarm together. Yami Marik stared as they formed one giant, fuzzy hamster.

"NO HUMAN EVER LIVES TO SEE US IN THIS FORM!!! YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE!!!!"

Yami Marik yelped as they swiped at him with one of their massive paws. He threw his entire weight against the door, trying desperately to break it open. The giant hamster lunged at him once more, but this time he dodged their assault. They broke down the door, and Yami Marik ran for his life.

-o-o-o-

Meanwhile, Bakura was still fleeing from Johnny. He had tried to enter Clair's, but the soles of his shoes had begun to melt as soon as he set foot inside the place. Johnny had a very large amount of stamina. She was not winded at all, even though she had been chasing a 5,000 year old spirit with a running chainsaw for a half hour.

Bakura wheeled around a corner, towards the pet store. The freaks glared at him as he sped into the desolate store, Johnny in hot pursuit.

-o-o-o-

Yami Marik bolted away from the huge hamster, searching frantically for the exit.

Hamtaro urged the hamsters forward, but unfortunately for them, Yami Marik's terror had driven his adrenaline through the roof, and he was able to stay a stride ahead of the hamsters/ menacing monster.

With a roar, Hamtaro and the hamsters he was leading put all their effort into a last lunge forwards.

Yami Marik at last spotted the exit, and for a moment, it looked as if he might escape.

At that very moment, Bakura, who was still fleeing from the rabid clarinet player, collided with him. Both yelled in surprise and crashed to the floor. Hamtaro roared in delight, and bore down upon the two psychos.

Suddenly, Johnny sped into the shop, still wielding the chainsaw. In a menacing voice, she said, "Oh Bakura, sweetie, I have a present for you..."

Hamtaro was distracted by the voice, turned his glare towards Johnny. "WHY LOOK, MY FELLOW HAM-HAMS, WE HAVE ANOTHER SNACK."

Johnny sneered up at mass of rodents. "You're just a bunch of hamsters," she spat, then added, "Oh great, I'm allergic to-to –to –to-"

She sneezed suddenly, and her retainer flew out of her mouth. Hamtaro's eyes widened as he watched the object fly closer and closer until-

Bakura and Yami Marik watched in amazement as the retainer smacked Hamtaro right in the forehead. He fell from the swarm of hamsters, and they all collapsed with him. Thousands upon thousands of the fuzzy creatures darted out of the pet store and into the mall.

Johnny sniffed, and snapped her fingers. Her retainer reappeared in her mouth. "I need some allergy medicine."

Bakura and Yami Marik slowly got to their feet, glancing wearily about the hamster-infested mall.

"Ohhhhh great..."

-o-o-o-

Marik stopped, and looked in confusion. Where had all these hamsters come from?

He stooped down and picked up a random rodent. Isis loved small, fuzzy creatures. Maybe if he gave this to her, she would stop glaring at him every time he said the word "toaster". He set off to find his yami, and his brother and sister.

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I don't know if that was funny or not, I have writer's block. FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!

Review please.

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	7. The Chaos Has Ended! Well, Sort Of

Daisaigai turned to her audience. "Konnichi wa, everyone. Hope you like this chapter." She then resumed staring at large gray block sitting on computer desk.

"What are you doing?" Bakura asked, peering over her shoulder.

"Trying to vanquish this writer's block with my DEADLY DEATH GLARE of...DOOM."

The block rolled its eyes. "Oh please."

Bakura just shook his head.

Yami Marik also looked over the mad authoress's other shoulder. "Why doesn't she just kick it over that cliff next to her?" He motioned to the left.

Bakura shrugged.

697,832 hours later, Yami Marik: had grown very bored. "JUST BURN THE STUPID THING!!!!!!"

"It's CEMENT, you idiot," Bakura snapped.

"Must...not...blink..." Daisaigai muttered, still glaring at the block.

Yami Marik lost it. With a loud "ARGHH!!", he threw block off of the conveniently located cliff.

"SPLOOSH!!!" yelled the ocean below.

Daisaigai stared.

"There," Bakura said calmly. "_Now_ can we do something? I'm very bored, and I think Psycho is too."

Yami Marik was trying to fish block out of the Ocean Below so he could burn it.

"Sure...just give this to Psycho so he can get rid of that writer's block once and for all," Daisaigai said, handing Bakura a fishing rod and a pack of water-proof matches.

"Fine..." Bakura walked over to Yami Marik.

Daisaigai wagged her tail. "Excellent. No more eeeeeeviiiiiiiilllll writer's block. Now I can start the chapter."

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Bakura and Yami Marik unsteadily got to their feet. Hamsters had swarmed the mall.

"Disgusting," Bakura snapped, kicking at a hamster that was trying to bite his leg. Yami Marik was similarly trying to avoid the vicious creatures. Both watched as the hamsters chased all the people in the mall. The mortals were too lazy to run away, and too stupid to realize that if the sustained too many bites, they would die from blood loss.

Daisaigai, Wind, Johnny and Kage Akumu were tearing at the mass of rodents. Their fangs made short work of the creatures, while Johnny's chainsaw also helped. For theirs and the safety of the mortals/characters around them, they made Johnny take out her retainer. They were fighting through the accumulation of hamsters to get to the characters that were needed to continue this fic.

Unfortunately for them, Yami Marik and Bakura spotted them. Mistaking their intentions, they frantically tried to get away, but the horde of hamsters hindered both theirs' and the mad authoresses progress. There were too many of the fuzzy creatures to move efficiently.

Kage Akumu suddenly got an idea. She leapt into the middle of the mass, and swung her neck from side to side. An earsplitting crack filled the air.

The hamsters froze for a split second. Then, a squeal rose up like a siren. The freaky rats-um, I mean, the hamsters- went absolutely mad and sped out of the open doors and out into civilization.

The mall was now devoid of hamsters. However, now the world was in grave danger.

-o-o-o-

Atem was trying desperately trying to reach the door. He knocked an elderly woman out of the way, ran over Billy and his mother, and tripped over a carpet that had been thrown in the middle of the floor during the chaos.

A siren's cry rose up. Atem watched as the hamsters went insane, and fled out the door. Bakura and Yami Marik were left standing in the middle of the mall, eyes wide and mouths agape. The mad authoresses had hid inside Hot Topic, for they would not melt on the dark carpet that resided there.

Atem began to run towards the madmen, taking out 2 pairs of handcuffs as he went. At last, he had an excuse to send them both to the psycho ward. He had almost reached the two yamis, when both Ryou and Marik jumped in front of him.

"Get out of my way," Atem snarled as he tried to push past them.

"Sorry, Pharaoh, but Isis just realized we can get discounts on tickets for Kennywood if we have 4 people in our 'family'", Marik said, stretching out his arms and blocking Atem's path.

Atem lunged at the tomb keeper, but Ryou knocked the king to the ground first. "That's quite enough of that," he said calmly, brushing himself off.

Marik stared. "You just kicked his butt _politely_," he said, unsure of what to think.

Ryou shrugged.

Bakura and Yami Marik glanced at each other. If they could sneak away now, their hikaris wouldn't notice, and Yami Marik, who had caused all this trouble, could order his followers to protect him from Marik's (and probably Isis's) wrath. They both began to inch away.

However, Yami Marik's cape was dragging on the ground. He stepped back too far, and tripped. A resounding _thwack_ alerted Ryou, Marik, and Atem of the yamis' attempted escape. Bakura slapped his forehead as Yami Marik tried to get up, slipped again, and fell to the ground once more.

Atem got up, and started towards Bakura and Yami Marik again, but Ryou and Marik both stood in front of him.

"If Draculita realizes Bakura is in jail and isn't coming back, she'll go on a mad, bloody rampage until he returns," Ryou said sternly.

Atem opened his mouth to protest, but Marik cut him off. "Yami Marik would eventually chew his way out of his cell, and hunt you down," he warned.

Atem went to speak again, but was stopped by a sudden mental image of this happening.

"We'll pay you!" the hikaris said quickly. Atem gave in.

"Fine. But they'll both have to go to a psychiatrist for treatment."

Marik and Ryou both obliged, and handed the former pharaoh 20 dollars each. Atem took the money, and wrote down something twice on a piece of paper. He tore it in half, and handed it to them.

"Um...I can't read hieroglyphics..." Ryou said hesitantly. Marik smacked his forehead.

"Oh...sorry..." Atem said. He took the paper, and read it. "My handwriting isn't that messy..."

"He means he can't read that _language,_ Pharaoh," Marik said irritably, snatching the paper out of Atem's hands and read it. "Is that a vulture or a deformed basket?" he snickered.

"Give me that!!!!" Atem yelled, grabbing the slip back. Ryou chuckled. Politely, of course.

Marik translated the Pharaoh's terrible handwriting for Ryou, and they both dragged their yamis out of the mall.

-o-o-o-

The Ishtars were crammed into their car, and driving back to their house at top speed. To prevent Isis from screaming herself hoarse at Yami Marik for causing all this trouble, Marik had given her the hamster he had picked up off the floor. Isis was delighted, and spent the rest of the car ride cuddling the hamster instead of depriving them all of their sense of hearing.

-o-o-o-

Yami Marik's band of followers were in despair. They had seen their leader defeat a great enemy (sort of), and "mysteriously" disappear. The ugliest Goth spoke up.

"WE SHALL FIND OUR LEADER, AND CONQUER THE SURROUNDING SUBURBAN AREA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The other followers heartily agreed, and set off to find their chief.

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I know that was short, but what I'm planning is going to take up a lot of space chapterwise, so I want to split it up. This way new chapters come out faster.

One more thing: Credit for Marik's line, "You just kicked his butt politely" goes to **Fast-Talking Johnny. **Beautiful line.

This fic has 40 reviews!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!! I'm so happy!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!! I write as I listen to both classic rock (Led Zepplin, ACDC, Rush, The Cars, Aerosmith) and the Naruto soundtrack Hyrouin Kage gave to me. That's why this fic is so weird.

Review please! I promise to update as soon as possible!!!

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	8. Arrival at the Loony Bin

Daisaigai turned to her audience. "Guten tag, everyone. I don't respond to reviews anymore; I don't want this fic to be deleted because it could be classified as 'interactive'. There are losers out there who formed an 'alliance', and go around reporting people's fics if they break the slightest rule. It happened to Johnny already. Honestly, these people _need a life._ This is a leisure website, not an international company. I'm so sick of Lack-A-Lifes going around and deleting everyone. I reformatted my author's notes so the idiots would have nothing to go tattle about. BEAT THAT, LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Daisaigai then made a very odd face at the people reading this. Something like this: XP!!!!

Meanwhile, Yami Marik and Bakura were still trying to fish out the writer's block from The Ocean Below.

"Tomb Robber, hand me the rod!!!"

"Alright, alright. Don't get your cape in a knot."

"NOT THAT ONE!!! THE _FISHING ROD_, FOOL!!!!!!!"

"Well, why didn't you specify?!"

"I THOUGHT you were smart enough to realize the word 'rod' was not capitalized in my first sentence, and so therefore, I meant the FISHING ROD!!!!!!!!"

"I AM NOT THE ONE WHO'S TYPING THIS, _AND SO THEREFORE,_ HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!?!!??!!"

Daisaigai sighed as the two nutcases rolled by in a snarling dust cloud. "Well, I'll start the fic now...that should give me enough time to read some more of the Naruto manga..."

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Ryou drove home slowly, so if Bakura made a scary face at him, he wouldn't freak out and crash. He scolded Bakura the entire way back about being responsible and not causing mass chaos and how much the psychiatrist's bill was going to be.

Bakura was sprawled out across the back seat, sleeping on and off during Ryou's lecture.

"-and yami, put on your seatbelt; a funeral for you would too expensive if I crashed-"

Bakura sighed. Ryou was normally not this...annoying. He didn't mind his hikari for the most part, as long as Ryou stayed alive and out of his way. Now, however, the pale boy was grating on his nerves.

They turned into the driveway, at last. Bakura immediately opened the door and walked towards his room, otherwise known as "The Demon's Lair". That's what the sign on the door said, anyway.

A loud squeak sounded, and Draculita bolted ecstatically towards her master. Bakura grinned, and lifted the kitten up enough so she could clamber onto his shoulder.

Ryou opened the door and entered.

"Yami, the paper said your appointment for the psychiatrist's office is in a half hour. The car ride is going to be a bit long, so you can bring your CD player if you want."

Bakura nodded curtly, and Ryou left.

Bakura rooted around through his messy room until he found what he was looking for: a huge crate of classic rock CDs. He grinned, and lugged the crate into the car, after carefully setting Draculita down upon the floor. Her squeaks of sadness followed him all the way out to the vehicle. (A/N: Awww...)

-o-o-o-

The car trip to the psychiatrist's office was very dull, and took nearly a half hour's worth of careful steering through rugged countryside to get there.

"Why is this place so secluded?" Ryou wondered as he parked in the heavily weeded lot.

Bakura and Ryou picked their way through the desolate area, and entered the office.

A rather alarming secretary who looked as if she had been allowed too many Mountain Dews grinned manically at them.

"What can I do for you, _SWEETIE_?" she asked menacingly, pointing at Bakura.

Bakura arched an eyebrow. Ryou spoke up.

"We're here because my...twin...needs to see a psychiatrist. A police officer...um..._recommended_ him."

The secretary nodded rapidly. She pulled out a sheaf of paper from a soda-stained desk, and read out loud.

"Welcome to the Loony B-er, I mean, your friendly rebilitation center. Got a creepy freak on your hands? Just call 1-800-FREAK AWAY. We'll turn your manic weirdo into a happy, cheerful, British-accented, flower-arranging, tea-pouring, puppy-loving creep-um...er...sweetie!!!! Simply read the Naruto manga, and mail in your completed survey!!!!!!"

Both Bakura and Ryou stared.

The secretary cleared her throat. "Er...just follow me..." She got up from her desk and walked down a hallway that closely resembled a dank dungeon passageway.

"See you, yami," Ryou said calmly, urging Bakura to follow the crazy lady. Bakura scowled, but followed reluctantly.

They reached a large, wooden doorway with an ugly gargoyle doorknocker. The secretary shoved him in abruptly and giggled.

"See ya, freakazoid!!!!!!" (A/N: Such a lame "insult"...)

Bakura stared at the room. It was one of those sickeningly clean hospital type rooms, the kind where one expected a doctor to appear out of nowhere and claim: "YOU BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS ARE WAY ABOVE THE LEGAL LIMIT!!!!!! I MUST PREFORM QUADRUPEL BIPASS SURGERY _IMMEDIATELY_!!!!!!!!!!!"

These types of doctors tended to make even 5,000 year old tomb robbers uneasy. And that was exactly the type of doctor Dr. Exorist happened to be.

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"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I

LOVE CLIFFIES!!!!!!! MOO-HOO, HA! HA! HA!" Daisaigai laughed uproariously.

"I think the readers are going to maul you for making this chapter so short," Bakura stated. He and Yami Marik had momentarily forgotten their argument about the capitalization of the word "rod" during the abrupt end of the chapter.

"Well, I have to get off in a few moments, so this is all I can do." Daisaigai stated.

"REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!! THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE EXTRA LONG!!!!!!"


	9. Bakura Vs ?

Daisaigai grinned manically at her audience. "Brilliant...I got 10 reviews from the last chapter, a total of 63 reviews. Heeheeheehee..." Her tail wagged rapidly back and forth.

Yami Marik had recently succeeded in fishing the Writer's Block out of the Ocean Below, and was now trying to set it on fire.

Bakura watched, amused. Yami Marik didn't know that he had switched the pack of water proof matches with a pack of -get this- _fireproof matches._ If there was such a thing.

Psycho pulled out a match, and struck it.

Nothing happened.

With an annoyed growl, Yami Marik pulled out another match, and struck it, too.

Nothing happened.

For 5 hours, Yami Marik struggled to ignite the fireproof matches. Bakura was laughing hysterically.

Daisaigai sighed. "The yami's antics before and after the chapters are just a warm-up for me. Kind of like when you practice the scales on your instrument before playing a piece. Sorry if it's boring," she said. "But I just like to do a little warm up before going into the actual chapter. Also, if you can find anything in this fic that may violate the rules of the TOS, please tell me so I can fix it. I don't want some son-of-a-baka reporting me because I misplaced a comma."

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A bang startled Bakura. The door had flown open, and a short, freaky man entered.

"My name is Dr. Exorcist," he giggled. "I'll be happy to fix all your problems. How does that make you FEEL? Happy? Sadistic? Glad? Manic? Homicidal? Cuddly? (A/N: o.O) Scared? Freaked out? Alarmed? Sleepy? Pyromanic? Furious? Pleased? Moronic? Annoyed? Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (pant, pant) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (gasp, choke, pant) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Bakura stared. "I feel like killing you right about.... now."

"That's why you're here!!!!!" squealed Dr. Exorcist. "To get rid of all those spiteful sentiments!!!!!" He shoved Bakura into a chair with chains on the armrests, which sprang around Bakura's arms the moment he sat down.

"Now for the questioning," Dr. Exorcist grinned, pulling out a clipboard out from under a loose tile. "How old are you?"

Bakura simply glared.

"Okay, how about an easier one. Do you find that when executing quadruple bypass surgery because of illegal quantity of blood sugar causes the patient to go into a traumatized, un-anaesthetized state, thereby causing them to become completely homicidal and- in the span of five minutes- build an eight hundred foot robot that can breathe fire, causing the doctor to shriek, 'OH-MY-GAWD-WHAT-HAVE-YOU-DONE-IT'S-GOING-TO-KILL-US-ALL!!!!' and then have the patient laugh like evil geniuses like to do (MOO-HOO, HA! HA! HA!) and then suddenly pull out a ray gun and shrink the doctor down to the size of a toy soldier so that they can flush them down the toilet????"

Bakura realized his mouth had been hanging open during this entire speech. He quickly closed it.

Dr. Exorcist continued, "It happened to my best friend once. I need to make sure it doesn't happen to me. Well?" he prompted Bakura.

Bakura cleared his dry throat. "Next question."

Dr. Exorcist glanced down at the clipboard. "That's all!! Would you like to meet my friends now?"

"No," Bakura spat.

"Too bad!!! They are already here!!!"

Five more psychiatrists entered the room. Each of them surveyed the tomb robber out of narrowed eyes.

"Another one eh? Well, Exorcist, let's see what you can do," said the one farthest to the right.

Dr. Exorcist nodded. "Let's see how he deals with our newest specimen." He got up and flipped what Bakura had taken to be a light switch. A door to Bakura's left opened, revealing the silhouette of a rectangular device.

"Come," said another one of the psychiatrists. She snapped her fingers, and the chains reluctantly released their hold. Bakura stood up swiftly, rubbing his sore wrists. He planned to escape as soon as possible. However, as soon as he took a slight step towards the door, one of the psychiatrists stopped him.

"Wait," said the man Bakura recognized to be Shadi said sternly. "Do not leave until you have preformed the task we instruct you to do." The Sennen Ankh gleamed threateningly.

"Whatever." Bakura scowled, and walked into the room.

The device turned out to be a stereo. Bakura was familiar with this apparatus; he had one of his own. "So what's this 'specimen's problem?"

"The object has a tendency to behave insubordinately at times, and has developed the unpleasant habit of spitting classic rock CDs at anyone who denies the greatness of these bands," stated Dr. Exorcist. "My wife said to get it fixed or don't come back home."

After recovering from the shock of the realization that Dr. Exorcist actually had a wife, Bakura said, "So that's all I have to do? Just fix the stupid thing?"

The psychiatrists nodded.

"Alright then," Bakura said, rubbing his hands together. He was pleased. All he had to do was fix this object, and he could make like a tree and leave. "Let's see...I'm going to need some CDs, first-"

"Already here," Shadi said, hauling a crate who's size was equivalent to Bakura's box of CDs.

"Are those mine?" asked Bakura, scowling.

"No, these are all Shadi's," one of the other psychiatrists said. "You should see him listening to those things!! Hang-banging and air-guitaring and-"

"That's enough, Faust," Shadi said firmly. Faust simply grinned.

Bakura examined the mechanism. It didn't look like the CD spitting type, but one could never be sure. He took out a Rush CD and carefully put it in.

All at once, every light on the stereo flickered on, and Limelight began to play.

_"Living in a fish eye-lens_

_Caught in the doctor's eyes_

_I have no heart to lie!_

_I cannot pretend that_

_The stranger is a long-awaited friend!!!"_

"It knows you're here," whispered the female psychiatrist. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates.

"Don't provoke it!!!! We had a serious issue the last time someone said Queen and Elton John really were-"

"Shhh..." Bakura growled. He poked the stereo. At once, it stopped playing.

"Hmmm..."

The stereo was making odd sounds. It sounded as if it was growling at Bakura.

Bakura frowned. "So, if I insult a classic rock band, it'll go berserk and start launching CDs at us all?"

Faust nodded. "Yes, it certainly will. If you're as much as a dummkopf as the others were, then you'll say something to anger the musical box, and it will attempt to kill us all. If you do decide to provoke the vicious contraption, do hurry, because I need to get back to my other office."

Bakura took in a deep breath, and roared:

"HEY BAKA STEREO!!!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT HIP-HOP IS THE BEST THING OUT THERE? (A/N: _THAT'S A LIE!!!_) ROCK IS DEAD!!!! ANYONE THAT WAS ONCE WORTH LISTENING TO IS GONE!!!! AND ELTON JOHN AND QUEEN REALLY ARE-"

Bakura stopped short, partially because he couldn't say what he was going to, because this fic is rated G. The other reason was that the stereo had shrieked, "SUFFER, FOOL!!!!!" and had begun spitting CDs at everyone present.

All yelled, and covered their heads with their arms. Bakura snuck around the back of the stereo and calmly unplugged it.

The stereo suddenly turned off. The psychiatrists stared in amazement.

"Well done," Shadi said calmly.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Dr. Exorcist pouted.

"Because it was part of the test, idiot," Faust snapped. "We didn't want you blabbering it to all the patients."

"So that's it?" Bakura said. "That was easy."

"Most people are either too stupid or too alarmed be Dr. Exorcist's antics to pass the test," the female psychiatrist said, grinning. "You were neither. Congratulations. You may leave now."

Bakura shrugged, and turned to leave.

"Wait," said another one of the psychiatrists. "Here," he said, handing Bakura a piece of paper. "Call us if you get bored one day. We're always here; except Faust, he has another clinic of his own."

"I will," Bakura said, smirking at them all. "I'm sure hika-er, my twin will let me come."

"See ya!" called all the psychiatrists as Bakura left the room.

When Bakura reached the lobby, the secretary leered at him. "You're alive?"

"Leave him be, Eliza," called Faust from the stereo room. "And stop drinking all those carbonated drinks!!! Dr. Exorcist may get overly-excited and perform quadruple bypass surgery upon you if your blood sugar is too high!!!"

Eliza scowled, and Bakura spotted Ryou sitting in one of the chairs, reading a Shonen Jump.

"Let's go, hikari," he growled. Ryou nodded, and smiled.

"Did you pass the examination? I was a bit worried when I heard-"

"Hikari-"

"Yes?"

"Just shut up."

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"So...how was it? I don't know if it wa extra, extra long, but 1,460 words isn't bad, ne?" Daisaigai said. "Bakura made some new friends!!"

"I hate you all," Bakura called from his spot by the Ocean Below.

"Oh yes, this is Faust's first appearance. I like incorporating my favorite characters into all my fics. He'll probably appear again; I need a doctor for a future chapter."

"REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!! I'M ALREADY TYPING UP ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!!!'

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	10. Yami Marik Meets His Match

"So many reviews..." Daisaigai mused as she clicked down the page. "People really seem to like me...."

"Probably because you spend your time typing fanfictions instead doing your homework or visiting friends," Yami Marik called from his spot by the Writer's Block.

"ARE YOU ACCUSSING ME OF NOT HAVING A LIFE?!?!?!!?"

"N-n-nooooo..."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "You're afraid of a _mad authoress._ Come on."

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I CAN'T EVEN GET ON THE COMPUTER UNTIL I DO EVERY BIT OF ALGEBRA 1 HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!"

"Calm down," Bakura said quickly, severely alarmed.

"Don't hurt me," Yami Marik picked up the Writer's Block and hid behind it.

Daisaigai stopped foaming at the mouth. "Fine. Anyway, this is a chapter taken from my original fic. Re-typing these chapters takes up a lot of time. I'm also thinking about starting a Harry Potter/ Yu-Gi-Oh crossover. But it won't be the typical type. No Mary-Sues that interfere with the storyline. It'll be in humor genre, of course. Heh heh...I got some good ideas for it."

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The Ishtars arrived at their dwelling. Yami Marik tried to sneak away to his room. However, stealth was never his best aspect, and he knocked over a kitchen chair while trying to make a quick getaway.

Isis shook her head, and read the paper that Atem had given to Marik. "We need to take your yami to a psychiatrist's office, or else he'll be arrested."

"Fine with me," Marik said happily.

"It is NOT fine," Isis snapped. "You know what will happen: He'll chew his way out of the jail cell, and hunt the pharaoh down...again. Either that, or he'll use his one call a day to nag us to pay his bail."

"Alright, alright. YAMI!!!!!!" Marik yelled.

"I'm right here, idiot."

"Then get going," Isis said.

"Right away, sir," Marik said, springing into a salute.

Isis's eyes flew open in a furious glare.

Marik realized his fatal mistake. "Gah!! I meant ma'am!!!"

"RROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! SPARE ME, DERANGED SIBLING!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!!!!!"

Yami Marik watched as Isis chased Marik around the house with a mallet for twenty minutes. Rishid had disappeared into his room.

Yami Marik snickered. "Poor, poor hikari."

After Isis was satisfied with the amount of pain she had inflicted upon her "beloved" younger brother, she carefully put away her mallet and smiled.

Marik was as flat as a pancake. "I need an aspirin."

"You should have seen the look on your face, mortal," Yami Marik sneered.

Marik growled. "You!!!!" He pointed dramatically at his yami.

"What?"

"You need to see a psychiatrist."

Yami Marik snorted. "Well duh. But I'm not going."

Marik thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll give you 20 bucks."

Yami Marik brightened. "Deal."

-o-o-o-

A few hours later, they reached the psychiatrist's office. Marik had taken his motorcycle, and since Yami Marik wasn't allowed to drive, he had to run behind Marik the entire way.

Marik waited for his yami to catch up. However, since Yami Marik didn't know the way to the psychiatrist's office, he had gotten lost a few times. When he finally managed to reach the office, he collapsed onto the overgrown parking lot.

"Not the athletic type, are you, yami?" Marik sneered at Yami Marik.

"Shut...up...hikari," Yami Marik panted, getting to his feet.

"Hurry up. We're already 15 minutes late."

Yami Marik growled, but lacked the breath to come up with an insult. They walked inside the somewhat decrepit building.

Eliza the secretary was waiting for them. As soon as the entered the lobby, she sprang up from her desk, spilling a bottle of Mountain Dew all over some important-looking papers.

"Welcome to the psycho war-I mean, our lovely, friendly rehabilitation center. Got a manic, weird, bizarre, freakish, power-hungry, hideous, oddball on your hands? Just call 1-800-FREAK-AWAY. We'll take your manic, weird, freakish, power-hungry, hideous psychopath away for just 5 (cough) hundred (cough, cough) dollars!!! Simply watch the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball Z!!!!!!"

A voice with a strong German accent called out. "ELIZA!!! Please do not consume anymore Mountain Dew!!!! We can't hold Dr. Exorcist back for much longer!!!!"

Eliza cackled. "Of course. Follow me, sir!!!!" She grabbed Yami Marik by his cape and dragged him off into a dungeon-ish hallway.

Marik laughed. "Have fun, yami!!!!!"

Yami Marik snarled, and tried to loosen Eliza's hold on his cape. "Get off!!!"

They reached the door with the ugly knocker on it. Eliza wrenched open the door, and shoved Yami Marik in.

"See ya, crazy guy!!!!" she cackled madly, before slamming the door.

Yami Marik stared.

Suddenly, a man leapt in front of him. "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!" he squealed happily.

Yami Marik jumped in shock, and fell backwards into a chair with chains resting upon the armrests. As soon as the psycho touched the chair, they sprang up, and bound him to the object that was commonly found in kitchens.

Dr. Exorcist spoke again. "My name is Dr. Exorcist. I'm going to solve all your problems today!!!!! How does that make you FEEL???????? Angry? Thrilled? Somber? Vicious? Blood-thirsty? Tired? Irritated? Pretty? (A/N: o.O) Scared? Hysterical? Deranged? Sick? Musical? Frightening? Lightning? Bankrupt? Provoked? Cheerful? Clumsy? No? How about-"

"SHUT UUUUPPPPP!!!!!!" Yami Marik roared. "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT FROM ME???"

"Simply answer the questions, and you will receive your lottery ticket in the mail!!!"

"LOOK, YOU-"

"Calm down already," a voice said from a shadowy corner. Yami Marik twisted around to see who had spoken.

Shadi, along with 4 other psychiatrists, stepped out of a shadowy corner.

"We've got a freaky one," said the tallest one of the group.

A snicker arose among the group.

"I agree, Faust. Somehow, he doesn't seem as bright as Bakura."

"Tomb Robber was here?" Yami Marik asked incredulously. "When?"

"Just a few hours before you, actually," a woman said to Shadi's far left. "He passed the test with flying colors. Your task is to do the same."

"Fine," Yami Marik spat. He struggled against the chains for quite some time before yelling, "SOME ASSISTANCE WOULD BE QUITE NICE!!!!!!"

"Ooo..._assistance_. Pretty big word," Dr. Exorcist snickered.

"An entire _drie_ syllables. Impressive," Faust sneered.

Yami Marik got the feeling that these people didn't like him.

Shadi waved his hand, and the chains fell limply. "There," he said calmly. "Now for the task."

A door opened to Yami Marik's right, revealing a large, black stereo.

"Go on," snapped one of the psychiatrists. "We don't have all day."

Yami Marik stepped up to the stereo, and glared at it.

"Hmmm...I think hikari has one of these...he puts shiny circles in it, and it makes weird sounds..." He poked the stereo.

The stereo used its right to remain silent.

Yami Marik poked the stereo again.

The stereo was not feeling talkative at the moment.

"It doesn't seem evil...but..." he poked all the buttons on the stereo.

The stereo became annoyed, but still did not attack.

"Try putting a CD in," Shadi suggested.

Yami Marik looked around, and spotted the crate of CDs. He hauled it over, and dumped EVERT SINGLE CD into the stereo.

The stereo snarled.

Yami Marik also snarled. "Work already!!!" He poked a random button, which happened to be PLAY.

The stereo burst into song.

_"WHERE THE WIND WON'T BLOW AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T GO AND ONLY GOES TO SHOW!!!!"_

"Ack!!!" Yami Marik leapt backwards in fright.

The psychiatrists' eyes widened. They all covered their heads with their arms.

_"GRAB THE WIND WE'RE SEE YA SPIN, SAIL, LITTLE GIRL!!!!"_

_"I AM NOT A GIRL!!!!!"_

_"DOOBY-DO, BOP BOP A-DO WHOA!!!!"_

"This thing must die..." Yami Marik growled, drawing his sword.

_"MY, MY, MY, MY MAHMAH YEAH-"_

The stereo stopped playing suddenly; for Yami Marik had slammed the sword down upon it. It howled in pain.

"Ouch!! Stupid idiot!!"

Yami Marik blinked in surprise. "The thing speaks!!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!!"

Yami Marik backed away. "Oh crap..."

"I play only the best, so listen!!"

"It's true," Shadi said.

The stereo grinned sadistically, if stereos had such an ability. It began to sing again.

_"Dancin' days are here again..."_

Shadi smiled. "I love this song."

_"I said it's alright, you know it's alright, I guess it's all in my heart..."_

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!"

_"You'll be my only, my one and only..."_

With a loud "AARRGGHHH!!" Yami Marik swung his sword once more, and walloped the stereo again.

"Ouch!!!!!" the stereo yelped. "You dare defy Led Zepplin?!"

Yami Marik stared blankly at the stereo. "What's a Led Zepplin?"

"Uh-oh," Dr. Exorcist muttered.

"This will be interesting," Faust smirked.

"He's gonna get slaughtered!!" the female psychiatrist said excitedly.

"He's paying for the damages," Shadi snarled.

The stereo seemed to take in oxygen. It roared, "SUFFER, FOOL!!!!!!!" and began spitting CDs at Yami Marik.

Yami Marik wasted no time. Immediately, he began dodging the flying CDs Matrix-style, providing the readers with a rather disturbing mental image.

In slow motion, the stereo spat various CDs at an oddly flexible Yami Marik.

In slow motion, Yami Marik dodged every single one of them.

In slow motion, the psychiatrists were making bets as to who would triumph.

Dramatic Background Music began to play. "DUN DUN DUN..."

The stereo was fuming. "Curse you!" it screeched at Yami Marik. "You can evade my deadliest attacks!!! But you have to get tired sometime!!"

"NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The stereo gathered up its remaining strength, and fired the last CD (which happened to be _Permanent Waves_ by Rush) as fast as it could at the exhausted psychopath.

The Dramatic Background Music gained volume. "DUN! DUN! DUN..."

Yami Marik ducked as quickly as he could.

The CD sighed. "Alas...I have become the victim of a possessed stereo...farewell, cruel world..."

The stereo began to laugh maniacally.

Yami Marik gulped. "This is the end!"

The CD whizzed over Yami Marik's head, hit the wall, and shattered.

Yami Marik stood up in triumph. "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! YOU MISSED!!!!"

The stereo was still laughing, and at first, it did not hear Yami Marik's evil laughter. "MUAHAHAHAH-huh?"

"You missed my head!! I'm still alive!!"

"Pay up," Faust said to Shadi and the other psychiatrists.

"Look!! Yami Marik grinned. He felt his head to make sure the CD really had missed, and was not lodged into his skull. "Oh...no..."

The stereo suddenly realized Yami Marik had received an unwanted haircut. It began to laugh.

"Hahahahahaha!! You look funny!! Hey, what are you going to do with that sword? Watch were you're-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

-o-o-o-

**CENSORED: **An extremely violent scene in which Yami Marik rips apart a stereo with his teeth and a sword, comes in contact with live wires, gets even angrier, and proceeds to demolish everything in sight.

-o-o-o-

One hour, one dead secretary, one half-destroyed building, and several mauled psychiatrists later, Yami Marik staggered out of the building.

Marik was waiting in the parking lot.

"So...how did it go?" he asked cautiously.

Yami Marik glared at him. Half of his hair was missing, his clothes were bloodstained,

there were several holes in his cape, and any remaining hair was singed and was standing on end (more so than usual, if that wa possible).

"Where's my twenty bucks?" he snarled, sounding very much like a rabid bulldog.

Marik blanched. "Well...you see, we needed groceries, since you ate everything except the lasagna yesterday and-"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH, I STILL DON'T GET MY 20 BUCKS?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?"

"I'll pay you back somehow!!!!" Marik yelled, backing away in alarm.

"I WANT MY MONEY _NOW!!!!_" Yami Marik screeched.

"Wait-"

Marik's protests were cut short when his yami knocked him to the ground, leapt onto his motorcycle, started it up, and chased his hikari the entire way home.

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Whew...that was a lot to type...I've been coming out with chapters rather quickly the past few days. This fic just keeps getting better and better.

I'd appreciate it if you read Fast-Talking Johnny's fic, **The Unlikely Trauma**. It's brilliantly written, and absolutely hilarious. I wrote part of it, so you know it's good. XP Just kidding. I did write some of it though. X)

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!


	11. Scorching Stove of DOOOOOOM

"I am still confused as to why I have this many reviews.... these people...seem to enjoy my writing style." Daisaigai was reading all the lovely reviews that had been sent to her.

"Yeah, this one asks if you will marry them," Bakura stated, peering over the werewolf's shoulder.

"WHAT?!?! Oh...that's just Quicksilver Foxx...I read that already, glad you like my story, Foxx," Daisaigai scrolled down some more.

"Who's is that?" Marik asked, pointing to a very lengthy review of Fast-Talking Johnny's.

"Oh, that's Johnny's...let's read it..." The group sat in silence for a few moments, before reaching the part about the Rabid Fan Girls.

"WHAT?!?!!?!?!!?"

"Calm down Traumatized One; it's just a review, not the real story-"

"AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Daisaigai sighed. "Now look what you've done, Johnny. Marik has just bolted himself in the basement. Now I'll have to find some way to lure him out...read the fic while me and Tomb Robber figure this out."

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A loud roaring sound startled Isis. She looked up from her book ("There's a Psychopath Living in My House!!! Now What Do I Do?") and peered out the window.

Yami Marik was riding on Marik's motorcycle, and following the Traumatized One in a mad pursuit while simultaneously laughing maniacally.

"_Marik!!!!!!"_ Isis cried, leaping up from the chair she was sitting in. She ran outside as quickly as she could.

Yami Marik grinned and parked the bike. He walked over to his hikari, who had tire tracks all over his body, and said in a mocking voice, "Not the athletic type, are we, hikari?"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM???" Isis screamed, running over to a very tired Marik.

"Aw, don't worry," Yami Marik said, holding up Marik by his shirt collar. "I'm pretty sure he can still walk. He _did_ run all that way, after all."

"As...soon...as...I...can...move...you're...dead..." Marik panted.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!" Isis shoved Yami Marik away from his hikari and helped Marik walk into the house.

"He needs more exercise!!! I was just trying to be helpful for once!!!!" Yami Marik called.

Isis dragged Marik into the house, with several cries of "ouch!" from the tomb keeper.

Yami Marik cautiously entered the house. Isis could be even more dangerous than a rhinoceros sick of being poked when angry.

"You!" she pointed dramatically at Psycho. "You're going to cook dinner while I call a doctor."

"But I don't-"

"TOO BAD!!! There are a bunch of cook books and things like that in a drawer. At least try and cook some buttered noodles or something."

Yami Marik threw up his hands and searched for one of those so-called "cook books". However, not understanding the advanced structure of the English language proved to be a disadvantage. Marik snickered when he heard his yami trying to sound out a recipe for apple pie.

"Ta...ta...what the heck is that stupid symbol? Hmmm. TEE...AYE...KAY...EEE...that spells...tack!!! So, tack a c-cu...uhhh...I guess that's 'coop'; it has a u in it...'Tack a coop'...what a weird recipe. Oh...eff...that's of. "Tack a coop of-SUGAR!!! I KNOW THAT WORD!!! Okay, next word. AYE...EN...DEE. That's and. 'Tack a coop of SUGAR and..."

"What are you doing?" Isis stared at Yami Marik, who was sitting in the middle of the floor with a small mountain of cookbooks surrounding him.

"Reading a recipe," he replied, holing up the book he was currently reading.

Isis gave him a strange look. "I've seen you read better than that before."

"You have?" Yami Marik looked confused for a moment, before a realization hit him. "Oh yeah!!! I forgot I'm holding the book the wrong way!!" He flipped the book over, and began to read it upside down. "Take a cup of sugar and..."

"Wait a second," Marik said, staring at his yami. "You mean you can read English perfectly well when the book is UPSIDE DOWN?"

"Yeah."

Both Isis and Marik stared.

"You _are_ a weirdo," Isis said feverishly, before grabbing a phone book to look up the nearest doctor's office.

Yami Marik shrugged before going back to the recipe. "I don't like this one...this one is too complicated..." He flipped through the pages. "Too hard...too many ingredients...too long to cook...yuck...yuck...yuck ...I don't feel like making this...ACK!!! LASAUGNA!!!!! Oh, wait, that's just a picture...uhhhhh....can't decide...."

"JUST MAKE SOMETHING!!!!" Isis was very stressed out at the moment, and was behaving out of character.

"Okay, fine..." Yami Marik got up and grabbed a random cookbook from the pile.

"Boil water, first," Isis called from the living room.

After a few moments of examining the stove, Yami Marik determined that the button that said "ON" actually did turn the stove "ON". Gee, what a concept. Of course, he had to tilt his head upside down before he could come to this conclusion.

The light on the top of the stove said, "ON", but Yami Marik noticed that the burner was not glowing bright orange, as it should. He derived from his sense of "logic" that to create a fire, one must provide oxygen for it to live. Yami Marik took a deep breath, and blew on the burner with all his might.

Earlier, he had placed the cookbook right next to the burner. Due to his blowing on the burner with the force of a small gale, sparks and small flames flew off the burner, onto the cookbook. Paper is extremely flammable. The cookbook was made out of- everybody gasp- _paper._ One does not have to be the next Albert Einstein to figure out what occurred next.

With a familiar "FWOOM!!!" the cookbook caught fire. Isis screamed, "PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!" but Yami Marik was too enraptured by the flames to anything but stare at the deadly, dancing blaze. Marik simply groaned.

"YOU IDIOT!!" Isis shrieked. She shoved Yami Marik out of the way before knocking the flaming cookbook of DOOM to the ground and stomping on it. Yami Marik, seeing the fire was going out, suddenly came to his "senses". With a roar, he kicked the book out of Isis's reach, and began throwing other cookbooks onto it, in hopes of making the fire larger.

With an almighty screech, Isis ripped a cushion of a chair and began beating the fire with it.

Yami Marik was horrified. _"What are you DOING?!"_

"PREVENTING THE FIRE FROM SPREADING AND BURNING DOWN THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!!!!" Isis smacked the poor fire a few more times. With a last fizzle, it went out. She breathed a sigh of relief, and wearily sat down on a chair.

Yami Marik recovered from his pyromaniac state. "Oops..."

"NOW GET TO WORK!!!!!!" Isis roared, pointing dramatically at the psycho.

Yami Marik gulped. "Yes, ma'am," he said, quickly looking for a cookbook that had not been scorched.

During all this time, Marik's condition improved. He had made an important scientific discovery: Laughter really is the best medicine. (A/N: Cheesy statement of the day.) Apparently he did not believe this theory, because he asked Isis, "Can I have some Tylenol? I laughed too hard, and now I have stomachache."

Isis sighed. She had recovered from her Homicidal Maniac Mode. She fetched the medicine from the cabinet, and tossed it to her brother.

"Thanks."

Isis frowned. "You look healthy. I guess you don't need a doctor now."

Marik shrugged. "Fine with me." He seemed to have forgotten that a psychopath had chased him nearly 20 miles on a motorcycle back to his own house.

Suddenly, Isis stopped and stared at Yami Marik's new haircut. "When did _that_ happen???"

"Psychiatrist's office," Yami Marik answered.

Isis stared. "And you're not affected by this because...?"

"I might be able to bribe the mad authoress into giving me my hair back."

Isis actually snorted. "Sure..."

Daisaigai fell off Ryou's imaginary stationary bike. "YEAH RIGHT!!"

Yami Marik scanned down the recipe. "This might be a little difficult..." He turned the book upside down and began to read.

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Daisaigai and Bakura were both peering into the basement.

"I don't see him..." Daisaigai growled, squinting into the darkness and DOOM.

"Maybe he escaped," Bakura suggested. "He might have been secretly building a rocket ship underground for years, but was only planning on using it in an extreme emergency. But then, when he read Johnny's review, he knew he had to take immediate action. Therefore, he decided to get extra fuel supplies before going off into space-"

"That's not likely, even for him," Daisaigai said. "So, while we find out whether or not Marik had been secretly developing a spaceship for years, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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	12. The Scroching Stove Saga Carries On

Daisaigai smiled at all the people who had gathered here to read this fic. "Hello, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I'm just lazy.

Another thing I want to clarify. **This is not a yaoi fic.** I never write yaoi, yuri, hentai, or anything like that. It's creepy to read. I NEVER WILL WRITE A FIC LIKE THAT, SO PLEASE **DO NOT** EVEN ASK.

Well, now that I'm done ranting, it's time to start the fic," Daisaigai concluded her speech.

"Finally," grumbled everyone present. Except Ryou, of course. He was too polite.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Yami Marik carefully read the upside cookbook.

"What the heck IS this stuff anyway?"

The cookbook was written in that obnoxious type of flowery language, almost like a romance novel. It said things like, _"Dear baker...the most important ingredient for every recipe is love..." _

"Blech..." Yami Marik growled. He tossed that cookbook over his shoulder and grabbed another one.

The next cookbook had the same basic message. As if anyone would hug the mixing bowl in hopes of making the food taste better.

Yami Marik glanced through the next cookbook. It also was written in the same ludicrous manner as the first two.

After 2 hours of reading nearly every cookbook in the kitchen, he discovered that all recipes have the same basic concept:

1. Obtain random amounts of different ingredients.

2. Grab a bowl, throw all ingredients into bowl, and beat with mixer.

3. Dump mixture into cookie pan.

4. Turn the oven into the "ON" position.

5. Place pan in oven.

6. Let cook for 20 minutes.

7. Take out finished product, and let cool for 10 minutes.

There was really nothing to it.

Yami Marik immediately went through the cupboard in search of ingredients. He found several interesting items, including gummy bears, spaghetti sauce, yeast, baking soda, sprinkles, graham crackers, Fruit Loops, salt and vinegar chips, pickles, mustard, more salt and vinegar chips, Oreos, peanuts, a solitary package of salt, Cheerios, a "secret" stash of sugar, trail mix, bananas, even more salt and vinegar chips, clarinet reeds, Ramen noodles, and a large package of bubble gum which was used to torment the mad authoress when she became too annoying.

With a mad grin, Yami Marik seized the gummy bears, spaghetti sauce, yeast, baking soda, sprinkles, graham crackers, Fruit Loops, salt and vinegar chips, pickles, mustard, more salt and vinegar chips, Oreos, peanuts, the solitary package of salt, Cheerios, the "secret" stash of sugar, trail mix, bananas, even more salt and vinegar chips, clarinet reeds, Ramen noodles, the large package of bubble gum, and dumped it into the cookie pan which was sitting on the stove top. He was reading the directions on turning the stove on SAFELY, when Marik spotted the mess his yami was preparing to bake.

"YAMI!!!!!!!!"

"What?"

"You can't cook those chips while they're still in that FOIL bag!!!" Marik exclaimed, attempting to seize the bags of chips.

"Well why not? I've seen you put foil over a bowl, stick it in that black box thing-"

"Microwave."

"-yeah, that thing- set it on high, and laugh maniacally as you watched the foil inside the mi...cro...wa...ve."

Marik blanched. "Don't tell Isis that-"

Yami Marik grinned evilly. "Why not?"

Marik wisely kept his mouth shut.

Yami Marik turned back to his recipe, but Marik suddenly grabbed all the food on the cookie tray, and threw it into the living room. "You're NOT going to blow up the house. Just bake potatoes or something safe like that. Make SURE you poke holes in them before you bake them."

After he recovered from the loss of his highly "original" recipe, Yami Marik eagerly replied, "Why? What will happen? Will they blow up?"

Marik's mind suddenly went into high gear, something which didn't happen often. His thought process sounded something like this:

_If I tell that buffoon that potatoes explode if he doesn't poke holes in them, than he will either be safe and not try it, or immediately throw and entire sack of potatoes into the oven, let cook for five minutes, and then open the door. Most likely, it will be the second choice. But Isis will kill me if I let that happen._

_Oh well. It will be worth the spectacle. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH- pant, pant- HAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-cough-HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHA-_

"Did you just thought laugh?" Fast-Talking Johnny suddenly asked, snickering.

"Er...no."

"Suuuuuure..."

"I did not!!!"

"Did too!!"

"Did NOT!!!"

"DID TOO!!"

"DID NOT!!"

"DID TOO!!"

"DID NOT!!"

"DID TOO!!"

"DID NOT!!"

"DID TOO!!"

"DID NOT!!"

"DID TOO!!"

"DID NOT!!"

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!" Daisaigai howled suddenly. "CAN I PLEASE STOP TYPING THIS SENSELESS ARGUMENT?!?!?!?!!?!"

Marik and Johnny were both silent, but each stuck their tongues out at the other.

"ANSWER ME!!!!"

A somewhat apologetic mutter came from the both of them.

"Good," Daisaigai said, turning back to her keyboard.

Yami Marik, who had been standing stationery with a blanker look than usual upon his face, turned back to the stove.

Ignoring the fact one needed oven mitts to put an object in the stove (which he had successfully turned on SAFELY), he grabbed a nearby bag of potatoes, and emptied the bag into the oven.

"OUCH!!! THAT ACCURSED CONTRAPTION JUST BURNED MY HANDS!!!!! AAAARGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"You moron..." Marik slapped his forehead. He took out the Millennium Rod, and prevented his yami from sending the "accursed contraption" to the Shadow Realm.

After approximately five of struggle, Yami Marik "regained his composure", and watched as the oven finished cooking the potatoes. Marik searched for something he could shield himself with, so that he would not be struck in the eye and temporarily blinded by an airborne chunk of white-hot potato.

Yami Marik apparently did not consider the danger of allowing chunks of white-hot potato fly through the air. He opened the oven door.

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"OOOOOOOOO!!!!!! CLIFFIE!!!!!!! I AM SO-"

"Moronic?" Bakura suggested.

"QUIET, TOMB ROBBER!!! YOU ARE RUINING MY EVIL MOMENT!!!!!" Daisaigai (who else?) howled at the annoyed...er...tomb robber.

"NOW, AS I WAS SAYING-"

"Just leave a review, so she'll shut up already," Bakura, Marik, and Yami Marik said in unison.

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	13. Arrival At The Faust Clinic

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! NO HOMEWORK TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!" Daisaigai's howl could be heard throughout the website.

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!" roared approximately 697,832,697,832,697,832 authors.

"QUIET MORTALS!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN SILENCE ME NOW, FOR I-"

Daisaigai's loud howl was abruptly cut off, due to the fact Marik, Yami Marik, and Bakura had put a muzzle over her snout. This caused the mad authoress much anger, and she raged about until the muzzle fell off. Daisaigai tore it to shreds, and then glared at the main participants in her fic.

"How dare you betray me!!!"

"ACK!!! RUN AWAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

"WWWRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

"SPARE US!!!!"

"NEVER!!! BUAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

"Oh my..." Ryou commented from the sidelines.

"Looks like fun," Johnny smirked.

"Well...since Daisaigai is a bit preoccupied at the moment, I guess I'll start this chapter," Ryou said, pressing the button marked "START" on the keyboard.

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PREVIOUSLY...

Yami Marik apparently did not consider the danger of allowing chunks of white-hot potato fly through the air. He opened the oven door.

(Not exactly the greatest idea in the world...)

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BAM!!!!!!!!

That was the sound of a previously harmless material being put into an oven before it was poked with a fork, its becoming of an explosive, and blowing up in the face of the idiot who put it in the oven in the first place.

Marik yelped, and dove behind the kitchen table before the scorching potatoes of fiery DOOM could hit him.

Yami Marik, however, did not have very good reflexes, and was promptly bombarded by the scorching potatoes of fiery DOOM.

"AAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OOOOWWWW!!!!!"

Two pieces of the scorching potatoes of fiery DOOM had hit Yami Marik's eyes. He reeled about, frantically rubbing his eyes to rid himself of the pain. Unfortunately, rubbing only further irritated his eyes.

"AARGGGGG!!! STUPID (CENSORED) STOVE!!! I CAN'T (CENSORED) BELIEVE THIS (CENSORED) THING BLEW UP!!!! ARRGG(CENSORED)GGGG!! (CENSORED)!!! (CENSORED)!!! (CENSORED)!! (CENSORED)!!!"

"CALM DOWN!!!" Marik yelled at his yami. "DO YOU WANT ISIS TO HEAR!?!?!?!"

"...no..."

"THEN SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET YOU TO A DOCTOR!!!"

Yami Marik snarled furiously, still rubbing his eyes. "THEN HURRY UP!!!"

"_Isis!! Isis!! _Come here, please!!"Marik called, running from room to room in the house. "ISIS!!"

"I'm right here, brother," Isis said calmly. She had been sitting on the couch in the living room this entire time, reading a book.

"Oh."

"What is it?"

"Well...my stupid yami put potatoes into the oven without poking them with a fork first, and they became explosives during the course of time. When he opened the oven door, the exploded all over the place, and apparently he was hit in the eye. He's not very happy about it," Marik explained.

"Well, he didn't sound very happy, from what I heard," Isis said, raising her eyebrows. "I guess we'll have to take him to a doctor." She got up, and dialed the number to the nearest clinic.

-o-o-o-

_Ring. _

_Ring. _

_Ring. _

_Ri- _

"What is it?" Faust VIII snapped into the phone. "I'm rather busy at the moment, some idiot recently murdered Eliza again, and I had to resurrect her, _again_-"

He sighed impatiently as the person on the other line described their predicament.

"Potatoes...oven...He didn't poke them with a fork first?!...What a dummkopf ...fine, bring him here..."

Faust slammed the phone down irritably before walking into his office. Skeletons surrounded his desk and medical tools. He growled as he remembered a patient's remark about his clinic ("Are you sure it's _sanitary_ to keep all those tibias near the scalpels?").

"Eliza, will you kindly call the werewolf and clarinet player here?"

-o-o-o-

"What are we going to do?" Rishid asked, watching at Yami Marik rampaged around the kitchen, enraged by pain.

"I'm not sure," Isis said calmly. "But I just called the nearest clinic, and Dr. Faust says he'll take Marik's yami as soon as we bring him there."

"But how the heck are we supposed to get him in the car?" Marik asked uneasily.

Upon hearing the sound of his hikari's voice, Yami Marik threw himself at Marik in a rage. Unfortunately for him, his aim was extremely poor (due to his temporary loss of vision) and he ended up tackling a nearby kitchen chair instead.

Marik started laughing, and Isis looked as if she was trying to suppress a snicker, too. Rishid simply sighed and shook his head.

"Is he unconscious?" Marik asked, nudging Yami Marik with his shoe. He cringed, but the psycho did not attack as Marik had anticipated.

"Well, now it will be easier to get him to the doctor's."

-o-o-o-

"Drive faster, Isis!!!" Marik yelled from the back seat.

"MARIK!!!! KEEP YOUR HEAD INSIDE THE CAR!!!" Isis shrieked in alarm from the driver's seat.

Marik scowled, but obeyed his sister's frantic command.

"YOU COULD BE DECAPITATED BY A TELEPHONE POLE, FOR RA'S SAKE!!!"

"And?"

"YOU WOULD BE DEAD!!!"

"Oh..."

Silence. And then-

"Would that present a problem?"

"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"

"Just kidding!!!!"

As you can see, the drive to the Faust Clinic was a rather stressful one for Isis. Rishid sat quietly in the front seat, the corners of his mouth twitching. He didn't dare laugh out loud, for fear of being mauled by his younger sister.

"Hurry up, Isis. My yami is drooling..." Marik complained.

Isis simply sighed, and clenched the poor steering wheel harder.

-o-o-o-

The two figures stood in front of the Faust Clinic.

"What does Faust want?" asked the shorter of the two, holding a clarinet.

"He just said he needs us both to come here as soon as we could," growled the (taller) wolf form.

Both figures shrugged, and walked through the glass doors.

-o-o-o-

"We're here," Rishid announced, stepping out of the car.

"Good," Isis said. She had calmed down, finally.

Marik opened his door, got out and opened Yami Marik's. The psychotic yami fell onto the pavement, still knocked out.

"Marik, you need to find some way to bring him in," Isis called, nearly at the doors of the clinic.

Marik grumbled something unintelligible under his breath, grabbed his yami by the collar of his cape, and dragged him inside.

-o-o-o-

Faust was waiting for them.

"Bring him into my office," he sighed, motioning to the left. "I'll be with you in a moment."

"Who are they?" Isis asked Marik as they passed a werewolf and a clarinet player.

Marik's eyes widened. "Those are mad authoresses. The wolf one is typing this fic, and the clarinet player is her comrade with an insane fanfiction of her own. Don't talk to them or even look at them, they take it as a threat."

Isis tried not to laugh, and nodded.

The four Ishtars entered Faust's office. Isis peered around in slight disgust.

"Are you sure it's _sanitary_ to keep all those tibias near the scalpels?"

Faust looked as if he would have liked nothing better than to seize Isis and perform quadruple bypass surgery on her immediately.

(A/N: He's been spending too much time with Dr. Exorcist...)

Seeing the deranged look in the insane doctor's eyes, Marik quickly changed the subject. "How are you going to wake him up?" he asked, pointing to his lifeless yami.

"Hold on," Faust said through gritted teeth. "DAISAIGAI!!! JOHNNY!!!"

The mad authoresses rushed in.

"Ya?" Daisaigai questioned.

"Tanzt, Faust, _tanzt_!!!!" Johnny yelled happily.

Faust's face darkened, and Daisaigai covered her face with a paw. "Faust does NOT dance, Johnny."

"_Steight den Bleistift in den nase!!!!" _

Faust grabbed Johnny and stuffed her into the Biological Hazards container.

Marik, Isis, Daisaigai, and Rishid all stared.

Faust spoke up.

"How did he become unconscious?" he asked, getting on his knees and peering at Yami Marik.

"He tackled a kitchen chair," Marik explained.

"I see," Faust said, as if this was a regular occurrence. He cocked his head, and without warning, kicked Yami Marik in the stomach.

"OUCH!!!! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?!?!"

"You were knocked out," Faust said calmly. "Besides, I've been wanting to do that to someone for a very long time now."

Isis opened her mouth, but Daisaigai intervened. "Don't question his anger issues."

Johnny nodded seriously at Isis, who looked shocked and slightly amused at the same time. "That's not a bad idea..." she muttered under her breath.

Yami Marik stood up, holding his stomach and glaring at nothing in particular. "I still can't see," he snarled angrily.

"Well duh," Johnny said, shoving him into one of those chairs that eye doctors have in their offices.

"_Knochensoldaten!!! Hear me!!"_ Faust called.

Skeletons walked up to Yami Marik and grabbed his arms, binding him to the chair. Marik, Isis and Rishid stared.

"GET OFF!!!"

"Now..." Faust said, looking over his numerous medical tools and choosing a small bottle of a clear fluid. "This will dilate your pupils, making it easier for me to see what's wrong."

Daisaigai suddenly realized something. "Wait, Faust-"

Faust paid her no attention. He pried open Yami Marik's eyes and put a few drops of liquid in them.

Now if you think for a moment, you will see that there is a problem. If you have ever seen an episode of Battle City when the animators show a close up shot of Yami Marik's face, (and after falling off your chair in shock and horror) you would have noticed Yami Marik's eyes have no pupils. This presents a severe setback, for dilating fluid's effects will not work on eyes without pupils.

Both Johnny and Daisaigai had figured this out, and watched as Yami Marik roared in pain once more, and attempted to attack Faust. However, the skeletons held him back.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh...oops," Faust said loftily, not looking the least bit sorry. "I should have known that would not have worked. Well, you'll just have to get a seeing-eye dog or something until your vision comes back."

"YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!!!!!!!" Yami Marik bellowed at Faust, still straining against the skeletons' clutches.

"I had no idea you didn't have pupils," Faust said, shrugging his shoulders. "You did not open _den augen_ in my presence."

"So, how long will it be until he can see again?" Rishid asked.

Faust shrugged again. "A day, perhaps. Most likely no longer than that."

"That's it?!?!" Marik burst out. "We went through all that for nothing?!?!"

"Of course," Faust said, completely ignoring Marik's statement, "I'll still need some method of payment."

Isis sighed, and handed him a few bills. Faust smiled and pocketed the money. He snapped his fingers, and the skeletons released Yami Marik.

"You'll need some method of getting around," Faust said, pointing to Yami Marik. "I recommend a seeing-eye dog."

Everyone looked at Daisaigai.

"Oh no," she said, backing away, and shaking her head back and forth.

"You're going to put my life in the paws of this mad authoress?" Yami Marik asked in annoyance.

"Yep," was the reply from Marik, Isis, and Rishid.

"_Nein!!!_ I refuse!!" Daisaigai howled.

"It won't be for long," Marik pleaded. "And you can torture him in any way you please."

"She already does that!!!" Johnny yelled from the inside of the Biological Hazards container.

"So?" Isis said.

"I guess I'll do it...if I am paid and/or given food," Daisaigai said firmly.

"Deal," Rishid said.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Now what shall happen, for Yami Marik's fate is in the paws of an insane authoress?

Oh yes, I almost forgot: "Tanzt" means "dance" in German, and "Steight den Bleistift in den nase" means "Stick the pencil in your nose." Heh heh.

R&R, FELLOW FAN FICTION WRITERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
